Blog Therapy

Here goes. Straight from the heart, without pondering phrases or themes. completely and truly un-edited. pure rambling thoughts.

Sometimes I want to blog and have no one read it – i guess tha’s why here’s a private post setting.  But then it feels like I’m hiding something, and I dont like that either. i’m all about transparency.

my “t” button on my keyboard is incredibly stubborn. My sentence up there was supposed to say “That’s why There’s..”  just cuz I’m not editing, doesn’t mean I dont see or care about my mistakes. hmm.. i could go somewhere with that thought. perhaps later.

I am 28 today. On sunday I was 27. i feel like an infant. still in my twenties, and yet i feel like i’ve seen so much, lived through so much.  but i’m still a baby.  i am trying to fathom what I will feel like when I am twice my current age.  I truly have alwways looked forward to aging.  maybe not the creaky knees part, but the living life part, the growing, maturing, learning, loving.

I have not blogged since we moved out of Detroit. tha tpoic could take up a whole post of it’s own.  It is enough for now to say that I am in a state of awe at where God has taken us.  I pinch myself often to remind myself that it’s real, that I will not wake up in Detroit tomorrow, that I dont have to go home to Detorit tonight. 

The road that lead andrew and I to this place of blessing was paved with trials, and at least a couple of ly canyons.  Somehow, through the Grace of Our Lord, we pressed on, held eachtoher up, and made it through to his peaceful pasture.  But now that I am here, i dont want to lose that desperation for God.  I want to stay so ultra dependant on Him.  If nothing else, my times of weakness  and frailty were times of incredible faih building and growth.  Now I am in this place of comfort, and I am aware that comfortable places can lul me into pride or complacency. 

Lord help me to seek you like my life depends on it, even when I am not at rock bottom. Because… my life depends on it.

 

Dreams – 2/10/09

I had a great dream last night. It may have only lasted a few seconds, but it was an exciting few seconds.

I was running through a jungle – that’s exciting already isn’t it? It was tropical – brightly colored strange plants and vines were everywhere. Suddenly, I felt surrounded by faceless enemies. My heart was beating fast- but I was not afraid. I had a fierceness and a strength unlike I have ever experienced. In my hands I held the most beautiful sword. It was a substantial sword – the double-edged blade was well over four-feet long, maybe five inches wide and as shiny as a mirror. The handle was elaborately carved, gleaming gold. I began to swing my SWORD, and just kept swinging it. To my left and right, behind me and in front, I was slaying enemies on all sides with the precise and ly weapon. I had no fear. Though the enemies seemd to multiply, coming out of nowhere, I kept swinging. I did not grow tired, and I was winning. It was an AWEsome feeling – and then I woke up.

To me, the Sword represents the Word of God: The Bible, Jesus – for Jesus was the Word made flesh.

“For the Word that God speaks is alive and full of power [making it active, operative, energizing, and effective]; it is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating to the dividing line of the breath of life (soul) and [the immortal] spirit, and of joints and marrow [of the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

There are battles in my life that I have little or no control over inasmuch that I cannot simply wish them away. And yet, I carry a substantial weapon against which no enemy can stand: The Word of God. With only a Word He created the Heavens and the Earth. Our words are more powerful than we can ever imagine. It is written that the tongue holds the power of life and (prov. 18:21) By reading the Bible, soaking it in, mediating on it’s promises, my strength is restored.

I have seen this in my life! I am confident in God’s promises for me. The more I read, the more I am encouraged. For those who belong to Christ, no moutain is too big to be cast into the sea (Matt 17:20.)

Over and over, speaking God’s words has brought restoration and wholeness to me and my family. From out of nowhere, we recieve a check in the mail. When difficult relationship situations arise, I can forgive and find restoration by His strength and through reading and praying scriptures like Romans 12:18 – “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Praise God for the gift of His Word.

Isaiah 55
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.

9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Psalm 149:6
May the praise of God be in their mouths and a double-edged sword in their hands,

Ephesians 6:17
Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God

 

Not so much taking a break

as changing my life.

I’ve taken a big step back from my computer lately and I’m loving it.  I don’t need to be on here more than 30 minutes a day.  

It’s part of a bigger change I think.  And I’m not quite sure how to word it. 

I like to write.  But my desire is to be sure that when I am taking the time to write something on my public journal (here) I am writing about the works that God is doing in my life. 

The less time I spend in the blogging community, or on facebook, the more time I have to spend with Him.  Easy math right?

You know how married couples start to look like eachother after years of marriage? Do you know why? Because when we communicate with someone, we try to mirror their gestures and expressions – as a way to build trust with the person. 

When I spend time gazing  into the face of my heavenly Father, whether it be in my prayer closet, or singing His praises or reading the precious words of life He wrote for me, I will begin to look more like Him.  This is my hope, my passion, my calling.

He is jealous for me.

I will probably see you around here from time to time. And in between those times, know that I’m thinking of you.

 

So I don’t forget

Someone dear to me shared a quote that he had memorized ten years ago because it so touched his heart. 

“Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated.”

By Thomas Paine in The American Crisis

 

Christmas Break Wrap Up

Best Quote: Riding home from Christmas day activites, looking at the pretty decorated houses, my 5 year old Grace, almost jumped out of her seat when she heard the “Hallelujah Chorus” play on the radio.

“Hey! This is the song I wrote! How did they (the radio people) know it?!” she yelled out. Her smile couldn’t have been any bigger.  Yes, she “wrote” the song  months ago at her Grandma’s house on a fancy shmancy keyboard that was on some sort of demo setting.

Best Book: I just finished reading The Mysterious Benedict Society to my 8 year old. I highly reccommend it.  It’s a fabulous book, even for adults.  We have started the sequel.

Best Present: My Christmas Cactus, which I have been faithully taking care of for the last eight months, bloomed for the first time two days before Christmas. 

 

Two more days until the kids go back to school.  I will be happy to get back into a routine again – vacation has really made me unproductive.  I have a whole week before I start my classes again, and hopefully I can get a lot of packing done in that week.

Best thing I’m doing today? Taking my kids ice skating for the first time!

What were some highlights from your Holiday Break?

 

Who Is That Lady?

I am a Dreamer.

 

That’s the name of my Personality Type.

Specifically, I’m an INFP.  That stands for Introverted, iNtution, Feeling, Percieving.  2% of the population shares my type.

I took the quiz twice just to be sure. (It’s kind of like taking a pregnancy test. Can you really only take just one?) I was kind of hoping to lean toward INFJ, because the first time I took it, the line between F and P was so close. I changed a couple answers that I was unsure of the first time I took it,  but the second time around I was even more of an INFP.  Does that makes sense?

Here’s a peek into my soul courtesy of  http://www.mypersonality.info/

• INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal.
• To understand Healers, we must understand their idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. The Healer is the Prince or Princess of fairytale, the King’s Champion or Defender of the Faith….
• INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP’s value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life.
• creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings…”
• An INFP’s feelings form the foundations of the individual. They are sacred and binding, in the sense that their emergence requires no further justification. An INFP’s feelings are often guarded, kept safe from attack and ridicule. Only a few, close confidants are permitted entrance into this domain.
• INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It’s as though they live at the edge of a looking-glassworld where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities.
• Their job must be fun, although not racous, and it must be meaningful to them. They need a strong purpose in their work. They want to be recognized and valued, without undue attention given to them. They may become embarrassed when make the center of attention. As a result, they may undersell their strengths in order to avoid being singled out and made to feel conspicuous. They would rather have their worth be noticed gradually over time.

Other real life INFP’s: A.A. Milne, Audrey Hepburn, Dick Clark, Fred Rogers, William Shakespeare, JRR Tolkien, Princess Diana, John F. Kennedy Jr., Laura Ingalls Wilder, John disciple of Jesus, Mary mother of Jesus.

INFP might enjoy these careers.  (Some of these are especially appealing to me.  Maybe AFTER I get my nursing degree, I’ll work on one of these. )

• Activist
• Actor
• Architect
• Church Worker
• Counselor
• Editor
• Employee Development Specialist
• Fashion Designer
• Graphic Web designer
• Human Resources
• Journalist
• Librarian
• Massage Therapist
• Minister
• Missionary
• Musician
• Photographer
• Physical Therapist
• Psychologist
• Social Scientist
• Social Worker
• Speech Pathologist
• Teacher/Profossor
• Tranlator/Interpretor
• Writer

It’s fun to do these. And a great inspiration for the start of a new year.

Happy 2009, friends.

 

Well, I never . . .

Do you know what this is?

I stumbled across this pretty thing today while shopping at REI.com, trying to use my member dividends before the year ends. My face squished up as I thought, “What the heck is it?”

Then: “OH! I see…Wow… Really?”

It’s actually a pretty nifty contraption.

Should I let you guess?

Nah.

Its called an FUD.

Feminine Urinary Director

Have you ever heard of such a thing?

All these years, my (eh-hem) envy was unneccesary.  Turns out I can pee on a tree too!

I kinda want one.

Would you use one?

If you have time, read the many great reviews it got at REI.com. There are some serious fans out there (mostly mountian climbers and the like.)

 

 

Leaving the City (part II)

I have so many thoughts about my time here in Detroit proper.  There have been many good times here, and a few not so good times.  This chapter is ending, my time here is over.  This is something I feel deep inside.  But that means a new chapter is about to begin.

When reading a good novel, the end of a chapter is usually the most climactic.  It makes you want to turn the page quickly to see what the next chapter will say.   I am at this point in my story.  It feels very climactic, lots of things coming to a head, and all I want is to turn the page and find out what happens next, to have a little more peace.

There are two major and conflicting thoughts about moving that I’ve been mulling over.  The first is that I am excited to move on.  I cannot wait to live in a safe and comfortable neighborhood, where I can feel good about letting my kids play outside.  More than any other reason, the well-being of my children pulls at me to leave the city.   I want them to have a good school, to live in a neighborhood with other children they can play with.  I want to live in a place where calls to the police are answered the same day.  Are these things bad for me to want? No.

But are they the most noble and good things for me to want?  This is the conflict in my heart.  Above my families comfort, I should want to spread Christ’s love throughout this hurting city. There is a slight feeling that I have failed here.   I am confident that my family has been a beacon of love to a few select neighbors,  and maybe that’s all I was supposed to be.  But perhaps there was supposed to be more. 

I always thought I was going to have a God-conversation with at least one prostitite and maybe even invite her home for dinner, but I never did.  There was always an excuse :  I was on my way here or there, I had the kids with me, or I was not feeling prayed up enough. Yeah, I know: lame excuses.

I drive around in my city, feeling a little of the hurt that I know God must feel when He sees all the people who are hurting or in bondage.  Last week, I drove by a woman half-dressed, her mind clearly off in some chemical dream land.  My heart cries for her, and for the so many forgotten souls like her that live in this city.  It’s easy for people that live in the suburbs of Detroit to forget these hurting ones.  The well-off never have to see any of it.  I see it everyday.  I dont want to forget these people and their intense struggles.  I want to pray, I want to make a difference. 

Have I made enough of a difference? Am I running away, like Jonah?  No. I dont think I am runing away.  I dont feel God is telling me to stay.  But I feel blessed that I have this experience to keep in my heart, that I have this burning for the hurting souls in Detroit that I wouldn’t have otherwise.  And it may be that one day something will come of this.

I am packing my house to leave the city, but the city will always have a place in my heart.

 

Cold Feet

I have cold feet.  Almost always.

It is uncomfortable for me maybe, but excruciating for Andrew.

You see, every night my frozen little toes seek some comfort between his thighs.

He shrieks.  

I beg, “Pleeease!  They’re so cold and you’re so warm!”

I hate wearing socks, and my last pair of slippers became worn out and thrown out several years ago.  But do you see those cute slippers above? My mom bought those for me recently.  Not only are they the cutest slippers I’ve ever owned, but they keep my feet toasty warm.  I slip them off right before bed, and my feet stay warm all night long  – without having to steal some of Andrew’s precious body heat.

I’m pretty sure Drew is even more thankful for these slippers than I am.

Thanks, Mom!

 

And because I love it when my blog friends leave me with a question to answer, I’d like to do that too:

Can you remember a time when you had cold feet – literally or otherwise, like before your wedding?

 

 

Leaving the City

The snow here is beautiful to me.  I love how it seems to blanket everything in purity. Like a heart washed clean by the blood of Christ. 

Looking out my picture window, I see three houses across the street that make me sad.  One house was our Sunday night desination for coffee, laughs and Simpsons.  One house was the location for our Tuesday night Bible study and potluck, and the home of my son’s best friend.  The third house belonged to a very close friend of mine, a true sister in my heart.

We had something special.  Borrowing eggs, toilet -paper, blenders, diapers, you name it – we were always there for eachother.   Poking our heads into each-others houses and lives at all times of the day and night. We saw eachother through good times and bad.  Clean houses and… not so clean.  

When I was shoveling snow the other day, I felt a bit lonely.  It used to be that when I shoveled, I could look across the street and say “Hi” to one of my dear friends as they shoveled their walk, and our kids would be playing together in the front yards.

They’ve all moved away.  It’s a good thing for them – leaving the city for safer suburbs.  I am happy for them.  But I miss them.  Two of those houses are now home to renters, and one is vacant.  One other family is left beside ours – they are a street behind us.  I am glad they are still here – we carpool and babysit for eachother, but not being on the same street makes them even feel a little distant. 

We had a rare and special thing – not sure exactly what to call it, so “thing” will have to suffice.  I don’t want to sit here and have a pity party, I guess I am just really realizing how amazing that time was, and that I may never have it again.  I am thankful for the experience. 

And in a few short months, it will be my turn to move away from this street in the city.

 

To be continued . . . .