Dreams – 2/10/09

I had a great dream last night. It may have only lasted a few seconds, but it was an exciting few seconds.

I was running through a jungle – that’s exciting already isn’t it? It was tropical – brightly colored strange plants and vines were everywhere. Suddenly, I felt surrounded by faceless enemies. My heart was beating fast- but I was not afraid. I had a fierceness and a strength unlike I have ever experienced. In my hands I held the most beautiful sword. It was a substantial sword – the double-edged blade was well over four-feet long, maybe five inches wide and as shiny as a mirror. The handle was elaborately carved, gleaming gold. I began to swing my SWORD, and just kept swinging it. To my left and right, behind me and in front, I was slaying enemies on all sides with the precise and ly weapon. I had no fear. Though the enemies seemd to multiply, coming out of nowhere, I kept swinging. I did not grow tired, and I was winning. It was an AWEsome feeling – and then I woke up.

To me, the Sword represents the Word of God: The Bible, Jesus – for Jesus was the Word made flesh.

“For the Word that God speaks is alive and full of power [making it active, operative, energizing, and effective]; it is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating to the dividing line of the breath of life (soul) and [the immortal] spirit, and of joints and marrow [of the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

There are battles in my life that I have little or no control over inasmuch that I cannot simply wish them away. And yet, I carry a substantial weapon against which no enemy can stand: The Word of God. With only a Word He created the Heavens and the Earth. Our words are more powerful than we can ever imagine. It is written that the tongue holds the power of life and (prov. 18:21) By reading the Bible, soaking it in, mediating on it’s promises, my strength is restored.

I have seen this in my life! I am confident in God’s promises for me. The more I read, the more I am encouraged. For those who belong to Christ, no moutain is too big to be cast into the sea (Matt 17:20.)

Over and over, speaking God’s words has brought restoration and wholeness to me and my family. From out of nowhere, we recieve a check in the mail. When difficult relationship situations arise, I can forgive and find restoration by His strength and through reading and praying scriptures like Romans 12:18 – “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Praise God for the gift of His Word.

Isaiah 55
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.

9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Psalm 149:6
May the praise of God be in their mouths and a double-edged sword in their hands,

Ephesians 6:17
Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God

 

Not so much taking a break

as changing my life.

I’ve taken a big step back from my computer lately and I’m loving it.  I don’t need to be on here more than 30 minutes a day.  

It’s part of a bigger change I think.  And I’m not quite sure how to word it. 

I like to write.  But my desire is to be sure that when I am taking the time to write something on my public journal (here) I am writing about the works that God is doing in my life. 

The less time I spend in the blogging community, or on facebook, the more time I have to spend with Him.  Easy math right?

You know how married couples start to look like eachother after years of marriage? Do you know why? Because when we communicate with someone, we try to mirror their gestures and expressions – as a way to build trust with the person. 

When I spend time gazing  into the face of my heavenly Father, whether it be in my prayer closet, or singing His praises or reading the precious words of life He wrote for me, I will begin to look more like Him.  This is my hope, my passion, my calling.

He is jealous for me.

I will probably see you around here from time to time. And in between those times, know that I’m thinking of you.

 

Leaving the City (part II)

I have so many thoughts about my time here in Detroit proper.  There have been many good times here, and a few not so good times.  This chapter is ending, my time here is over.  This is something I feel deep inside.  But that means a new chapter is about to begin.

When reading a good novel, the end of a chapter is usually the most climactic.  It makes you want to turn the page quickly to see what the next chapter will say.   I am at this point in my story.  It feels very climactic, lots of things coming to a head, and all I want is to turn the page and find out what happens next, to have a little more peace.

There are two major and conflicting thoughts about moving that I’ve been mulling over.  The first is that I am excited to move on.  I cannot wait to live in a safe and comfortable neighborhood, where I can feel good about letting my kids play outside.  More than any other reason, the well-being of my children pulls at me to leave the city.   I want them to have a good school, to live in a neighborhood with other children they can play with.  I want to live in a place where calls to the police are answered the same day.  Are these things bad for me to want? No.

But are they the most noble and good things for me to want?  This is the conflict in my heart.  Above my families comfort, I should want to spread Christ’s love throughout this hurting city. There is a slight feeling that I have failed here.   I am confident that my family has been a beacon of love to a few select neighbors,  and maybe that’s all I was supposed to be.  But perhaps there was supposed to be more. 

I always thought I was going to have a God-conversation with at least one prostitite and maybe even invite her home for dinner, but I never did.  There was always an excuse :  I was on my way here or there, I had the kids with me, or I was not feeling prayed up enough. Yeah, I know: lame excuses.

I drive around in my city, feeling a little of the hurt that I know God must feel when He sees all the people who are hurting or in bondage.  Last week, I drove by a woman half-dressed, her mind clearly off in some chemical dream land.  My heart cries for her, and for the so many forgotten souls like her that live in this city.  It’s easy for people that live in the suburbs of Detroit to forget these hurting ones.  The well-off never have to see any of it.  I see it everyday.  I dont want to forget these people and their intense struggles.  I want to pray, I want to make a difference. 

Have I made enough of a difference? Am I running away, like Jonah?  No. I dont think I am runing away.  I dont feel God is telling me to stay.  But I feel blessed that I have this experience to keep in my heart, that I have this burning for the hurting souls in Detroit that I wouldn’t have otherwise.  And it may be that one day something will come of this.

I am packing my house to leave the city, but the city will always have a place in my heart.

 

Mic. Check: “Testing, 1,2,3″

Back to life. 

My semester is wrapping up this week.  Words cannot express how happy that makes me.  I am ready for a break. 

My mind and fingers are already beginning to feel a little bloggy again. 

Today I will simply leave you with a nugget to chew on:

Phillipians 4:11-13

11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.  – Paul

The secret of being content.  hmm.

 

mercy

Lord,

I had a good day. 

Until I started talking too much.

I allowed cynical and negative words to spill from me several times today.  And then suddenly it seemed, I was not having a good day, and I was fighting a sadness.

In my head now I hear, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” 

Haven’t I been filling my heart with good?

I was having a good day.  Wasn’t I?

Until I was careless. 

Are we good, God?

Yes, the song in my head says over and over that His mercies are new every morning.

Perhaps I am taking on burdens that are not mine to carry.  Trying to do too much in my own strength.  And since that’s a train-wreck waiting to happen, cynicsm was just ready and waiting to spill out of me.

Father forgive my bitterness. I’m giving you back these burdens I’ve been carrying. Bless the Lord, oh my soul!  He is able. 

Fill my mouth with laughter and songs of praise, so that all who hear me will rejoice at your goodness and put their trust in you, accepting your saving grace.

Thank you for your promises.

Amen.

 

I Will Praise You.  Psalm 42.

Alone in the silence
Lord I can feel You all around me
All around me
Deep calls to deep in the roar of the waters
All of Your waves have crashed over me
Lord I can feel You
Like many waters
Flood over me (5x)

Why are you so downcast oh my soul
I will yet praise Him
My Savior, my King
Why are you so downcast oh my soul
Raise Your voice and sing
Put Your hope in Him

 

Chapter One

I have this problem when I begin to think about too many big things at once. The issues start to swirl around and around in my head and make me a bit dizzy. The most successful cure I’ve found for this ailment is to sit down and write down all those thoughts. Somehow, the act of moving my pen (or fingers if I’m typing,) moves the swirling matters out of my aching head and onto the paper/screen. It’s miraculous.

As of late, my mind has been swirling like crazy, and if I don’t get some serious blog therapy, I’m gonna get sea-saw sick.

I’ve been thinking about Moses today.

Moses had a difficult assignment. It was unpleasant I am sure: free the Israelites from Egypt’s grip, then lead the whiny bunch to a promised land. He was so sure this job was too big for him, he tried to talk God out of choosing him at first. I am sure it was a heavy burden to bear. But oh the reward! I cannot imagine being on a mountaintop face to face with my Lord.  Moses endured some rough times, because God had a purpose that needed to be fulfilled.

I walked out of the house this morning, on my way to class, with a heavy heart. I did not want to leave my husband who had a late start at work today. Amazingly, I did not want to leave my crazy messy, and yes, even DIRTY thing that my house has become this semester. I wanted to stay home and do nothing with my husband. Just sit on the couch in his arms, quietly. I wanted to really scrub my kitchen, and vacuum my dining room.

I do not like school right now. I know. I can’t believe I am saying it either. It is not because of the school itself though. I love how alive and challenged I feel while I’m sitting in class. I get excited while taking notes on something I’ve learned for the first time.

What bothers me is all the things I’m missing out on because I’m in class or doing homework so much. Time with my husband and time to clean. This semester more so than last semester, I feel like a failure as a mother/friend/spouse/sister/daughter. I have barely picked up the phone to call ANYone since January. Part of me feels that this turning inward was due to selfishness. Part of me thinks it was self-preservation – doing what I could to remain mostly sane and maintain some kind of almost normal life, and hoping my loved ones will understand my short time of silence.

It is hard to feel like a good mother when I am not doing things I used to. I am sad that I am not with my kids as much as I want. I have to believe that things will turn out okay. I am definitely considering slowing down a bit though. Possibly taking only one class in the fall. Is it wimping out? I don’t think so. I think it is being real about what is important. If nothing else, (although there’s lots else,) this year has shown me that my organizational and motivational habits need improvement. One class would still stretch me, but hopefully leave room for a little bit of normalcy for my family and me.

I do not have the same task as Moses, fortunately. But my task is difficult just the same. I am called to be out of debt, to be free from slavery. The road to freedom for me is paved not with plagues, but with books, homework and tests. I know I am doing the right thing, but I am in the middle of the not very fun part right now. It has been hard for me to see God’s face shining down on me through some thick clouds these past couple of weeks. Everywhere I turn, I see areas where I am not making the cut. I truly believe that it is good for Christians to push to accomplish more than they can by themselves, because this is when God has to step in and help – and then He gets to reap in all due glory and praise. This is a good thing. Having faith to reach out and grab whatever task He wants for us, especially when it is something we cannot possibly accomplish on our own.

I cannot stop praising my father in heaven that I have been given enough grace to accomlpish the task set before me. I know this season will be difficult, but I know that it is just that: a season. I can see already that will come out on the other side a changed woman, and for that I am grateful.

When I am feeling so pressed, I know there is One who saves me. Another incredible part of pushing further than what is comfortable, is that it pushes us to be so dependant on Christ, for strength enough to stand. Truly, writing my thoughts down on paper may relieve my headache for a moment, but it is Christ who replaces the headache with peace. When I am weak, then He is strong, then I am dependant on him for my every breath. He knows this. He longs for me to stay with him throughout my day. To give up food for a time to remind myself of his goodness and strength that more than compensate for my shortcomings. Truly I serve a good God.

Psalm 32:67 “Therefore let everyone who is Godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will proet me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.”

Psalm 1:2 “But his/(her) delight is in the law of the lord, and on his law (s)he meditates day and night. (s)He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields fruit in its season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever (s)he does prospers.”

 

Tell of His goodness

Our pastor is a man I deeply respect. He walks with God in a way I have seen in very few people throughout my life. Our church has a time of testimonies every week – when people tell of the good things God has done, and a week ago, Pastor Mike asked Andrew if he and I would share a testimony the following Sunday. After some thought, and preparation, we did just that a few days ago. Andrew shared first, then me. The response was overwhelming. And I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. Writing out a testimony is a very spiritual experience and I cannot help but get shaken up every time I read it. What follows is my portion of our testimony:

“I’ll start my story a few years ago. Andrew and I were leading a fairly comfortable life. We had two kids and a mortgage. We attended church regularly, and were involved with the youth and/or music ministries.

However, I began to develop issues of unforgiveness – I was judging others who, ironically, I felt were judging me unfairly. Going to church was no longer an enjoyable experience; I just did not want to be around all those people pretending to love me, while I was convinced that they didn’t.

Never did I consider that they may be loving me the best they knew how. I felt very alone. I was unhappy, yet I wasn’t reflecting on the fact that my unhappiness could be connected to this critical and unforgiving attitude I had.

Somehow, God got it through my thick skull that as long as I kept praying and reading the Bible, I would eventually find the peace I knew He wanted for me. After a while God revealed to me that I was missing something – namely His purpose and calling for me. My general distrust in people was jabbing was away at any effectiveness I could have representing Christ to others. He hadn’t called me to be the bitter woman I was becoming. He wanted more for me than barely surviving on each Sunday’s message, choked off from the love of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I got on my knees – on my face – and prayed and wept, and God began to forgive my pride and heal my bitterness. My eyes opened and God gave to me the precious gift of a repentant heart. I was aware of the forgiveness that was available to me as a direct result of me forgiving others. Forgiving people who had hurt me and forgiving myself for how I acted in return, is an experience I will treasure always. Because truly, I was not free, and I had not been living until I was forgiven by Christ, who shed his blood for me.

That experience taught me something I thought I already knew: I cannot do Christianity on my own terms. Now that I had learned this lesson of forgiveness, it was clear that over the past few years, I had been settling for status quo Christianity, and I wanted a change. God called me to rise up, to be a woman of prayer, to give Him my all – and stop thinking I have to handle everything on my own. The only way I was going to feel alive again was through prayer and complete devotion to Him. For His great sacrifice of giving His son to die for my sins, I can give nothing less.

Instead of living for my own happiness, I want to be used by God to represent His shining light to people around me. I want my life to reflect God’s love. I have learned the beauty of loving people where they are at, and not expecting others to be perfect – anymore than I am perfect. It is not my place to judge anyone else, or his or her walk with God, but to place my trust in Him.

Andrew and I came together in prayer as we sought God for wisdom, grace and direction. He led us back to Woodlawn, the church we had left a couple years before. I was a very good thing.

I am so thankful God grabbed hold of us when He did. We have seen the power of prayer in our finances, in our children, in our relationships, and in our faith as it increases more than we could have thought possible. We were experiencing some serious financial struggles not too long ago and we prayed, and mediated on scriptures, and God blew away our expectations again and again.

And it’s all because of the power of prayer. When we are people of prayer, God can work in us and through us. The more I learn of his Grace, the more desperate I become for Him to use me.

I want to end with a scripture that has been on my mind the past couple weeks: Matt. 16:24-25 ‘Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.’ Amen!”

God is so holy, so good.

 

dear blog.

i have some friday night unloading to do.

what a day, huh? i say that a lot. the complexities and sress of life never cease to amaze me!
here i sit with my ultra-cold, slightly skunky german beer. my husband will buy any beer that has a german name – skunky or not.

we got new carpet installed today. well, sort of. they were three hours late and didnt have time to finish, so our steps are still bare. what?! three hours late to work and they didn’t have time to finish? that’s crazy. ummm…. can’t people in other jobs get fired for that sort of thing? and unfortunately i couldn’t argue with them very well because english was barely their second language. ugh.

in the middle of this crazy day, i got a phone call. my sister called to update me on the results of the angiogram my dad had today. this was a routine test to check on his burst anurism that was operated on in July. and the news isnt the best. the coils they placed inside the anurism to cause the blood to clot have shrunk, and thus, are not helping clot as much as needed, AND the anurism has grown. he is scheduled for brain surgery.

are you kidding me? i couldnt believe it. i was so certain that this test was going to confirm his smooth recovery. so i stood in my torn apart, half-carpeted house and cried for a brief second. the future is uncertain. i know i’ll survive, and come out stronger. *i dont think he is dying soon* but if i’m wrong, Lord, i’m not ready for my dad to die.

——

part II of my thoughts tonight is so completely polar opposite of the sadness and stress of the previous paragraphs.

i am so freakin busy ! woo hoooo! but it’s not without purpose. i love this busyness. i love love LOVE being a student. i love having to study. i love listening to lectures. i have had so much fun at school this week. oh! yesterday i got to use a great microscope. just practicing with it of course, but MICROSCOPES are SO COOL! i want one. i got 10/10 on my first bio. assignment. so far so good.

and my english instructor is a dream! he is seventy years old, and has been teaching at OCC since it began in Royal Oak. I love his approach to teaching, and his sense of humor. i think i smiled through most of his class. he totally reminds me of a masculine grandma barbara (my husband’s paternal grandmother.)

so, while i am crazy busy, i am somewhere deep inside having fun.
those are my thoughts tonight, dear blog. tomorrow i go to my dad’s all day to spend time with him ( he needs company for 24 hours after his test…) and then off the grandma barbara’s 79th birthday party. Sunday however, is MY day. well – OUR day. andrew and i will have all sorts of anniversary fun on Sunday.

“itinerary for 8th anniversary celebraions!

sat
8pm- drop off kids

sun
8am- wake up!

8:45-9ish- breakfast at waffle and omelette cafe in plymouth

10:30-11ish- IKEA madness and swedballs

1pm- real seafood co.

2:30-3ish- go to the arb, window shop, etc.

5:45pm- dinner at melange

8pm- ??? movie? two days in paris.

10ish- go home and collapse in a heap

xo”

—

i know. he’s a catch. i love him. so much.

 

time to unload…

i’m all ready for my garage sale (not at my house) i hope to make a few extra bucks over the next couple days to put toward school stuff for me and the kids.

stuff. yeesh. what a word. anyway.

here i sit, sweating. i feel like i’ve been sweating for weeks, but especially these past couple days. dog days like these make me appreciate the other three seasons that much more.

i want to show you something:

this is one of my all time favorite birthday gifts ever. there’s a story here. a few months ago, during the last weeks of school, i drove by a garage sale. i dont stop at garage sales often, but i had time, so i thought ‘why not.’ i saw this dresser/night stand for thirty bucks, and i couldnt think of a reason NOT to buy it. in my purse i had a little birthday money from andrew’s grandparents and my dad, and i have been wanting a new dresser forever. (i’ve had the same hand-me down dresser since i was 15 … and it was my brothers for probably ten years before it was mine.)

i fell in love with these pieces ( the owner said it was from 1970ish, i was thinking late sixties?) it’s solid furniture, dovetailed. i totally acted on impulse and bought it and brought it home. it sat in my garage, sanded and washed and waiting for my crazy month of june to be over. and a few weeks ago my husband gave me such a gift when he sprayed a fresh coat of paint on it, and screwed on some shiny new hardware. anywho – i am thankful for andrew and his hard work and wanted to show it off a bit.

i didn’t intend to write that much about the silly dresser. oh well. out it came, and there it stays.

what i really wanted to write about tonight was something bigger. more grand than i can explain. in my mind are thoughts about faith. what it is – and isn’t. why i’ve been afraid of it. i’ve been hoping for some time now. but i am praying and desiring the step beyond hope which is faith. for instance my hope in knowing that God CAN heal us versus the faith that says he WILL heal us. i have stayed so far away from faith because of situations that turned me off from it. people/doctrines that teach a faith that’s formulaic, manipulative or selfish.

i’ve been thinking. i’ve been praying. i am tired of standing back and letting life happen and hoping for the best, instead of stepping up, getting on my knees and doing something about it. i want to have something better than hope to offer the world. i want to have faith, backed up by deeds, to show others that there is a loving God in our midst – waiting for someone to believe and take hold of what he taught his first disciples so long ago. i want that. i’m still thinking, and praying, and i have nothing figured out. but this is heavy on my heart and exciting to my soul.

xo

 

randomness from my random thinkin brain

• i love bare feet. i’m not sure it’s the best thing for my knees/back, etc… but i love it. i love my peppermint foot lotion and coconut foot creme that andrew bought for me. they make me feel pampered.
• we had late lunch ( or early dinner?) hey, by the way, why do they have a word for late breakfast (brunch) but not late lunch? how about we call it lupper (lunch/supper)? we had lupper with some old friends we hadn’t seen in waaaaay too long. they have twice as many kids as us, but two of theirs are the same ages as ours. the kids played beautifully, and we had such a great time. it’s one of those situations where you cant figure out why you ever drifted apart in the first place. my brain knows it’s because we were busy, and our lives took us in to different places. but it was good to see them and i look forward to having them to our place soon.
• and wouldn’t you know it? drew’s parents called today and asked if the kids could spend the night tonight. they missed the kids, and woooHoooo!!! yeah, that’s all i can say about that.
• there are times in life when my instinct tells me to run and hide. from problems, confrontations, challenges. when i choose to fight those feelings, it’s scary as hell, but the feeling of growth afterward is so rewarding.
• i am on my way to seeing some of my dreams come true. it seems like i have been saying that i am going to go to college for ages. always in the future tense. but. BUT. dare i say it. i am going to college this fall. i applied for the FAFSA, i applied to OCC and made an appointment with a counselor. there are no words to describe my heart right now. i am slightly nervous, but super excited, and feel like this is similar to a long awaited pregnancy. i’ve waited and wanted it for soo long, and it’s finally come. my plans? possibly spend a while at OCC then transfer my credits to Wayne State and someday become a Registered Nurse. Nursing is something i have always wanted to do, even before my favorite TV shows were ER, Greys Anatomy, Scrubs and House. but i never believed in myself enough to think i could do it. didn’t think i was smart enough quite honestly. but seeing the hundreds of nurses this month that i’ve seen helped me to see that it IS something i could do. i CAN do it. i am so excited about nursing.