Not so much taking a break

as changing my life.

I’ve taken a big step back from my computer lately and I’m loving it.  I don’t need to be on here more than 30 minutes a day.  

It’s part of a bigger change I think.  And I’m not quite sure how to word it. 

I like to write.  But my desire is to be sure that when I am taking the time to write something on my public journal (here) I am writing about the works that God is doing in my life. 

The less time I spend in the blogging community, or on facebook, the more time I have to spend with Him.  Easy math right?

You know how married couples start to look like eachother after years of marriage? Do you know why? Because when we communicate with someone, we try to mirror their gestures and expressions – as a way to build trust with the person. 

When I spend time gazing  into the face of my heavenly Father, whether it be in my prayer closet, or singing His praises or reading the precious words of life He wrote for me, I will begin to look more like Him.  This is my hope, my passion, my calling.

He is jealous for me.

I will probably see you around here from time to time. And in between those times, know that I’m thinking of you.

 

Leaving the City

The snow here is beautiful to me.  I love how it seems to blanket everything in purity. Like a heart washed clean by the blood of Christ. 

Looking out my picture window, I see three houses across the street that make me sad.  One house was our Sunday night desination for coffee, laughs and Simpsons.  One house was the location for our Tuesday night Bible study and potluck, and the home of my son’s best friend.  The third house belonged to a very close friend of mine, a true sister in my heart.

We had something special.  Borrowing eggs, toilet -paper, blenders, diapers, you name it – we were always there for eachother.   Poking our heads into each-others houses and lives at all times of the day and night. We saw eachother through good times and bad.  Clean houses and… not so clean.  

When I was shoveling snow the other day, I felt a bit lonely.  It used to be that when I shoveled, I could look across the street and say “Hi” to one of my dear friends as they shoveled their walk, and our kids would be playing together in the front yards.

They’ve all moved away.  It’s a good thing for them – leaving the city for safer suburbs.  I am happy for them.  But I miss them.  Two of those houses are now home to renters, and one is vacant.  One other family is left beside ours – they are a street behind us.  I am glad they are still here – we carpool and babysit for eachother, but not being on the same street makes them even feel a little distant. 

We had a rare and special thing – not sure exactly what to call it, so “thing” will have to suffice.  I don’t want to sit here and have a pity party, I guess I am just really realizing how amazing that time was, and that I may never have it again.  I am thankful for the experience. 

And in a few short months, it will be my turn to move away from this street in the city.

 

To be continued . . . .

 

thank you.

once upon a time, i prided myself on my independance. mistakingly, i assure you. i am not independant, but completely dependant. mostly, i depend on god, and my husband. but lately, i have needed to depend on almost everybody else i know. it is stretching me. humbling me. i cannot do it all. i am not superwoman; i cannot do everything.

going to school while my children are young is a balancing act. but i was thinking the other day, as much as i sometimes say i wish i had gone to school before having babies, perhaps this has worked out even better. had i first gone to school and begun a career, i would have felt more pressure to return to work after a short maternity leave. and i have so cherished these last seven years home with them. so, going to school now will allow me to move right from my degree into working without a long break on my resume. this is good.

i think all this will work, but not on my own account. it will be because of the many family and friends who gave of themselves to allow me the priveledge of returning to school. those wonderful angels i know who have driven my kids from here to there, or cared for them when i just couldn’t. i won’t credit the source, but it does take a village to raise a child. i don’t deserve help – and that’s probably why it’s so humbling to accept it. and i seem to need so much of it lately, that i feel it’s unlikely i’ll ever be able to repay everyone. but i am so thankful, because without you precious people, i’d have to put off schooling, and the hope of doing something i love and earning income, for years.

so, i feel like shouting from the rooftop, from the bottom of my heart, to all who have helped, and you know who you are: thank you!!!

 

randomness from my random thinkin brain

• i love bare feet. i’m not sure it’s the best thing for my knees/back, etc… but i love it. i love my peppermint foot lotion and coconut foot creme that andrew bought for me. they make me feel pampered.
• we had late lunch ( or early dinner?) hey, by the way, why do they have a word for late breakfast (brunch) but not late lunch? how about we call it lupper (lunch/supper)? we had lupper with some old friends we hadn’t seen in waaaaay too long. they have twice as many kids as us, but two of theirs are the same ages as ours. the kids played beautifully, and we had such a great time. it’s one of those situations where you cant figure out why you ever drifted apart in the first place. my brain knows it’s because we were busy, and our lives took us in to different places. but it was good to see them and i look forward to having them to our place soon.
• and wouldn’t you know it? drew’s parents called today and asked if the kids could spend the night tonight. they missed the kids, and woooHoooo!!! yeah, that’s all i can say about that.
• there are times in life when my instinct tells me to run and hide. from problems, confrontations, challenges. when i choose to fight those feelings, it’s scary as hell, but the feeling of growth afterward is so rewarding.
• i am on my way to seeing some of my dreams come true. it seems like i have been saying that i am going to go to college for ages. always in the future tense. but. BUT. dare i say it. i am going to college this fall. i applied for the FAFSA, i applied to OCC and made an appointment with a counselor. there are no words to describe my heart right now. i am slightly nervous, but super excited, and feel like this is similar to a long awaited pregnancy. i’ve waited and wanted it for soo long, and it’s finally come. my plans? possibly spend a while at OCC then transfer my credits to Wayne State and someday become a Registered Nurse. Nursing is something i have always wanted to do, even before my favorite TV shows were ER, Greys Anatomy, Scrubs and House. but i never believed in myself enough to think i could do it. didn’t think i was smart enough quite honestly. but seeing the hundreds of nurses this month that i’ve seen helped me to see that it IS something i could do. i CAN do it. i am so excited about nursing.

 

how was my day today?

as my dad would say, “that IS the question.”

i am completely drained and worn and confused. i feel fine, and strong when i am with him, but everytime i leave his room or the hospital i have a moment of release – venting the stress with tears. the stress of the unknown. what does his future hold? what role will i play in it? what will the cat scan results be? ugh!!!!!! lord god almighty i need you.

i really miss my children, i want to hold them forever. cuddle them, smell them, push them on the swing. listen to them whine. whatever. i know this is just for a time. me hanging out in an un-kid friendly hospital. soon they’ll be able to come with me to visit grandpa.

my dad scared me a bit today. i went in early because i heard a rumor that he was to be released. but then he had one last MRA that showed that his ruptured aneurism was slowly filling with blood. the neurosurgeon will be watching that closely apparently. yeah. so i waited with him all day for someone to come sign him out, until his headache grew worse and they decided he needed another CAT scan. which they didnt get to until i was leaving for the night around 8pm. they also want to do a doppler on his legs to rule out blood clots. (he’s been having great pain in both his legs.)

but i tell you, this has just been an emotional week. emotions flying everywhere. dad has given his words of wisdom to every visitor. teary eyed and full of love, it’s as if he’s giving his last words. it’s hard to take in such latge doses. all day today we had such good talks – that i’ll remember forever – but it’s hard. it’s hard to see him want nothing else than to go home and get in his bed, and i cant just say yes. i hate seeing him hurt. he’s been in so much pain this week, mostly his head hurts. it’s hard to watch. but i want to be there for him. he keeps saying how much it means to have me there with him. how comforting it is. and i wouldn’t have it any other way. i’ve gotten to hear stories i’ve never heard before about his parents and his life.

well now, there’s a chance he’ll be discharged tomorrow and then he’s moving to an acute care facilty where he can have a little physical therapy and some neuro/psych therapy, and most importantly have someone with him 24/7. he’ll be there for a couple weeks i think. then back to his condo.

gosh – if anyone’s still reading this – thank you guys. thank you hannah and jenny and shannon for the DELICIOUS food – thank you meldoy for the food you made that i wasn’t home to receive yet, thank you cheryl for calling and sending your love, thank you shannon for taking such good care of my kids and taking them to swim class. thank you to danielle and nikki ad all my family for your kind words and prayers. thank you, thank you , thank you all.

 

friends

mm yeah. okay. promising to blog about something somehow takes a bit of the joy out of doing it. i should remember that.

so. my assignment. alright… friendships. we’ll start there. and based on recent feedback, the best way to get MORE feedback is to keep it short. so i will. you will get the very condensed version of the many deep and awesome thoughts that have been running through my briain.
but then, by keping it short, i’m afraid it will sound very basic. too basic. like – “why the heck is she even writing this bumbling post about common wisdom…” great. thanks.

start again.

in my life, friends are like ice cream. they are so sweet and wonderful and there for you, but then eventually, you’ve eaten them all up and they’re not in the freezer when you’re peak-pmsing and just need a sugar fix. no. that’s not right. but WHY did those two half gallons of ice cream disappear from my freezer last week. hmm? those were not good friends. dont make friends with ice cream. that’s our lesson.

no. seriously. start again.

i’m sorry. i’m feeling incredibly goofy tonight, and not at all like blogging any serious junk. i’m sitting here with andrew’s bathrobe over my clothes, my mouth guards in (i’m whitening my teeth, a gift from a friend) and my glasses. and i feel slightly UGLY BETTY tonight. very cool.

but. i’ve been dealing with expectations and friendships. trying to keep real expectations. trying to trust that He knows best. friendships are so important – they form us. how easily they slip away if not attended carefully. but our needs are different. our styles are different. sometimes being a friend can mean realizing when it’s time to let go. sometimes friendship requires rolling up our sleeves and reaching out of our own world and into anothers. and arent we all just too busy and selfish to do what it takes. but i have hopes. hopes of less hurts, and more hugs.

anyway. that’s the very short and probably way confusing version. but notice i made the paragraphs short to make the overall blog seem less intimidating and long…so maybe i’ll STILL get comments… ?

 

Amazing Grace

how can i be so happy and content with who i am, and with life in general when i’m home with my family – and then so competely insecure when i step outside my house? i dont expect an answer. i just dont get it.

i went out twice this weekend for a friend’s birthday. it was fun. but weird. the first night i felt a bit akward and quiet. reserved but not wanting to be. and regreting my wallflower-likeness all the next day until we went out that next night, with more people, and i felt comletely opposite – like i was trying so hard to change the pattern of the night before that i was over the top and obnoxious. ugh. and i regretted all the way home and today. i dont know if i’ll ever get past the “what did they think of me tonight?” thoughts. “what did they see in me tonight that will drive them away?” i know the more i place my self-worth inthe hands of my Maker it should get better – but does it have to take so long? i’m impatient to the core.

it’s strange to me that i’ve had such strong self-doubting thoughts lately because i’m in an incredible time of life right now.

i can say with complete confidence that i have never experienced life to be as wonderful as it it right now. it’s weird – because financially – we’re broke as a joke. the worst ever maybe, but that hasn’t had any affect on my family. or maybe it’s one of the factors drawing us together. all i know is that i am more happy than i imagined possible and so very content. what seemed like a hopeless marital situation a year ago has turned into an almost dreamlike bliss. there are no words. i am so in love. i’ve learned how to love.

all i can say is thank you. thank you god. thank you to those who prayed for us. a few days ago i was overwhelmed with the realization that if it werent for the many people praying for andrew and i, not only would we not be in this new loving stage of marriage, but we just wouldn’t be together. i am blessed to be surrounded by friends and fanily who intercede for me, and my heart reaches out to those who are not also blessed in that way.

i am in a place of rest right now. a valley of peace, and mountaintop of victory. after the sweat and the tears, i want to stay here forever. i know i cant – but i’m enjoying the stay for now. what will tomorrow bring?

for today i am happy, and insecure, and freezing, and adoring my sick (but adorable) hubby lying on the couch next to me. life IS good.