Chapter One

I have this problem when I begin to think about too many big things at once. The issues start to swirl around and around in my head and make me a bit dizzy. The most successful cure I’ve found for this ailment is to sit down and write down all those thoughts. Somehow, the act of moving my pen (or fingers if I’m typing,) moves the swirling matters out of my aching head and onto the paper/screen. It’s miraculous.

As of late, my mind has been swirling like crazy, and if I don’t get some serious blog therapy, I’m gonna get sea-saw sick.

I’ve been thinking about Moses today.

Moses had a difficult assignment. It was unpleasant I am sure: free the Israelites from Egypt’s grip, then lead the whiny bunch to a promised land. He was so sure this job was too big for him, he tried to talk God out of choosing him at first. I am sure it was a heavy burden to bear. But oh the reward! I cannot imagine being on a mountaintop face to face with my Lord.  Moses endured some rough times, because God had a purpose that needed to be fulfilled.

I walked out of the house this morning, on my way to class, with a heavy heart. I did not want to leave my husband who had a late start at work today. Amazingly, I did not want to leave my crazy messy, and yes, even DIRTY thing that my house has become this semester. I wanted to stay home and do nothing with my husband. Just sit on the couch in his arms, quietly. I wanted to really scrub my kitchen, and vacuum my dining room.

I do not like school right now. I know. I can’t believe I am saying it either. It is not because of the school itself though. I love how alive and challenged I feel while I’m sitting in class. I get excited while taking notes on something I’ve learned for the first time.

What bothers me is all the things I’m missing out on because I’m in class or doing homework so much. Time with my husband and time to clean. This semester more so than last semester, I feel like a failure as a mother/friend/spouse/sister/daughter. I have barely picked up the phone to call ANYone since January. Part of me feels that this turning inward was due to selfishness. Part of me thinks it was self-preservation – doing what I could to remain mostly sane and maintain some kind of almost normal life, and hoping my loved ones will understand my short time of silence.

It is hard to feel like a good mother when I am not doing things I used to. I am sad that I am not with my kids as much as I want. I have to believe that things will turn out okay. I am definitely considering slowing down a bit though. Possibly taking only one class in the fall. Is it wimping out? I don’t think so. I think it is being real about what is important. If nothing else, (although there’s lots else,) this year has shown me that my organizational and motivational habits need improvement. One class would still stretch me, but hopefully leave room for a little bit of normalcy for my family and me.

I do not have the same task as Moses, fortunately. But my task is difficult just the same. I am called to be out of debt, to be free from slavery. The road to freedom for me is paved not with plagues, but with books, homework and tests. I know I am doing the right thing, but I am in the middle of the not very fun part right now. It has been hard for me to see God’s face shining down on me through some thick clouds these past couple of weeks. Everywhere I turn, I see areas where I am not making the cut. I truly believe that it is good for Christians to push to accomplish more than they can by themselves, because this is when God has to step in and help – and then He gets to reap in all due glory and praise. This is a good thing. Having faith to reach out and grab whatever task He wants for us, especially when it is something we cannot possibly accomplish on our own.

I cannot stop praising my father in heaven that I have been given enough grace to accomlpish the task set before me. I know this season will be difficult, but I know that it is just that: a season. I can see already that will come out on the other side a changed woman, and for that I am grateful.

When I am feeling so pressed, I know there is One who saves me. Another incredible part of pushing further than what is comfortable, is that it pushes us to be so dependant on Christ, for strength enough to stand. Truly, writing my thoughts down on paper may relieve my headache for a moment, but it is Christ who replaces the headache with peace. When I am weak, then He is strong, then I am dependant on him for my every breath. He knows this. He longs for me to stay with him throughout my day. To give up food for a time to remind myself of his goodness and strength that more than compensate for my shortcomings. Truly I serve a good God.

Psalm 32:67 “Therefore let everyone who is Godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will proet me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.”

Psalm 1:2 “But his/(her) delight is in the law of the lord, and on his law (s)he meditates day and night. (s)He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields fruit in its season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever (s)he does prospers.”

 

went to visit dad again this morning.

the home-care nurse came by, and after his check-up told him that he no longer requires 24 hour care. that has been confirmed by his neurologist. all i can say is Praise the Lord! i”m glad he is doing so well. he’s coming along just fine. he needs to be checked on daily – but that’s no big deal. i’ll take him to a doc. appt on wednesday, and see him again friday, and maybe buy him groceries both days – the man is used to buying fresh food every day, so not being able to drive is getting to him. but i have his keys! hee hee.

every so often a cliche can become very real to me. for instance – live every moment as though it was your last. now, i’ve always believed that. i didnt think i could believe it more. but i do. every interaction with friends, family and strangers is suddenly so much more important. i am not sure how much longer my father will be with me, i am not sure how much longer ANYone will be with me. tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. leave nothinig unsaid. no one un-hugged. say i love you everytime you think it. we are human, mortal and fragile.

 

looking up

sitting in my car tonight at twenty mile and livernois, i couldnt bring myself to drive. my thinking was blurred and all i could do was cry. then, praying a prayer without words, i shook myself and i knew that i needed to stop the tears. having done all to stand, stand therefore. i need to hang on to hope and confidence in our all-knowing Father.

my dad wad released from beaumont this afternoon. his tests results from yesterday came back and there were no new concerns. that was good to hear. there was confusion today over where he was to go after leaving the hospital. as it turns out, because my father can walk and talk, insurance wont cover the care facitilities we had planned to take him to. so my dad is now back in his condo, but will need someone with him 24/7 for at least 2-4 weeks or until his doc. gives the okay. wonderfully his sister is staying with him for at least the weekend. i am releived she is doing that, i was starting to feel that because i am the stay-at-home mom, the long hours would all fall to me. better to share.

i’m certain the kids and i will be spending lots of time there this next month. and he’s not close-by so we’ll be hunting for good gas between here and troy for sure!

that’s the update.

xox

 

how was my day today?

as my dad would say, “that IS the question.”

i am completely drained and worn and confused. i feel fine, and strong when i am with him, but everytime i leave his room or the hospital i have a moment of release – venting the stress with tears. the stress of the unknown. what does his future hold? what role will i play in it? what will the cat scan results be? ugh!!!!!! lord god almighty i need you.

i really miss my children, i want to hold them forever. cuddle them, smell them, push them on the swing. listen to them whine. whatever. i know this is just for a time. me hanging out in an un-kid friendly hospital. soon they’ll be able to come with me to visit grandpa.

my dad scared me a bit today. i went in early because i heard a rumor that he was to be released. but then he had one last MRA that showed that his ruptured aneurism was slowly filling with blood. the neurosurgeon will be watching that closely apparently. yeah. so i waited with him all day for someone to come sign him out, until his headache grew worse and they decided he needed another CAT scan. which they didnt get to until i was leaving for the night around 8pm. they also want to do a doppler on his legs to rule out blood clots. (he’s been having great pain in both his legs.)

but i tell you, this has just been an emotional week. emotions flying everywhere. dad has given his words of wisdom to every visitor. teary eyed and full of love, it’s as if he’s giving his last words. it’s hard to take in such latge doses. all day today we had such good talks – that i’ll remember forever – but it’s hard. it’s hard to see him want nothing else than to go home and get in his bed, and i cant just say yes. i hate seeing him hurt. he’s been in so much pain this week, mostly his head hurts. it’s hard to watch. but i want to be there for him. he keeps saying how much it means to have me there with him. how comforting it is. and i wouldn’t have it any other way. i’ve gotten to hear stories i’ve never heard before about his parents and his life.

well now, there’s a chance he’ll be discharged tomorrow and then he’s moving to an acute care facilty where he can have a little physical therapy and some neuro/psych therapy, and most importantly have someone with him 24/7. he’ll be there for a couple weeks i think. then back to his condo.

gosh – if anyone’s still reading this – thank you guys. thank you hannah and jenny and shannon for the DELICIOUS food – thank you meldoy for the food you made that i wasn’t home to receive yet, thank you cheryl for calling and sending your love, thank you shannon for taking such good care of my kids and taking them to swim class. thank you to danielle and nikki ad all my family for your kind words and prayers. thank you, thank you , thank you all.

 

de-briefed.

not that y’all really need to know all this, but i think it may be therapeutic to type out a little of what’s happened with my dad.

saturday afternoon he was going for a bike ride, and while riding along a major road he experienced a headache unlike anything he’d ever experienced. the pain was so intense he crashed his bicycle in the middle of the street. a very kind stranger saw him, and pulled him over to the sidewalk and called an ambulance.

at troy beaumont hospital they ran some tests and discovered he’d burst an aneurism in his frontal lobe and he had another minor aneurism that hadn’t burst. they transferred him to Royal Oak beaumont where there was a better neuro team. saturday night they performed a surgery, going up through his leg and placing some negatively charged coils into his brain, into the aneurism to clot it, and stop the hemorrhaging. the waiting was hard, but finally at 2:30am the doctor came in and told us that dad was stable, but we’d have to watch him carefully over the next couple weeks.

they woke him up from his induced coma. this was hard to watch. he was struggling, and afraid. he made faces that scared me, but he was asleep. finally he woke up.

sunday through monday i was able to spend a lot of time holding his hand and stroking his hair. at one point he was very alert and making jokes nonstop. monday night, around 2am, he suffered some VTAC (?) issues – irregular heart rhythm stuff. tuesday was rough and he complained of severe headaches all day. IV drugs didn’t help. tuesday was a quiet day, he was tired and any stimulation (talking, lights etc…) made his situation worse. i sat in the room with him totally silent for hours. just watching him breathe. tuesday we learned that he had in fact suffered two strokes on saturday. my brother and his new wife got into town that day and were able to visit for a while.

i got a call wednesday (today? yes. today.) that the doctors were concerned about him – his processing was getting slower, he was more tired, the headaches were nonstop, and his blood-pressure had sky-rocketed at one point up to 217/110. they had to do yet another (maybe his third?) CAT scan, and perform a second brain surgery to relieve pressure and check for spasms. that was our day today. waiting for results. the doctors thought he may not make it through the surgery because of his heart issues. but he did. and the surgery went well. they didn’t find any vasospasms.

he will be in the ICU 10-14 more days. it will be touch and go for that long. they may have to repeat the surgery a few more times.

i’m getting very familiar with beaumont hospital. and i’m missing my husband and kids. and i’ve inherited my dad’s cat.

mostly i’m tired.

 

Trust Me

ignorance is bliss.

i think if is had one wish, i would NOT choose as solomon did. i would choose pure ignorance. what little smarts i have are apparently too much for my weak self.

this is all so ridiculously vague. i cant articulate what’s going through my mind. i look at the places life has taken me, the places i have chosen to go, and cant help but wonder what happened. what went wrong? why do we make stupid choices while thinking we are dead-right? how did i get to this place? why spend two years as a family, thinking you are progressing toward your career goals, only to find yourself right where you started? nothing makes sense to me. i want to stop trying to figure it out.

i want to live with complete abandon and trust in my Lord. but my-oh-my, do i have some trust issues! i have always lived life in a way so that i dont need to trust or depend on almost anyone. it’s too dangerous. and i tell you what, God doesn’t make it very easy either. trust Him? and then what? watch something completely fall apart, and know He must have a reason – but He’s not telling. trust is so difficult. it’s always been easier for me to just be alone, and not trust – only now i’ve come to the end of my abilites to sustain myself and i NEED to trust. so i’ll try again, reach out to my Father and hope my heart does not break.

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“it’s in despair that i find faith. summon the night to bow down to day. when ignorance is bliss, save me from myself. and then i see you there with your arms open wide and you try to embrace me. these lonely tears i cry they keep me in chains and i wish they’d release me. cold is the night but colder still is the heart made of stone turned from clay. ” (fade to grey by jars of clay)