Leaving the City (part II)

I have so many thoughts about my time here in Detroit proper.  There have been many good times here, and a few not so good times.  This chapter is ending, my time here is over.  This is something I feel deep inside.  But that means a new chapter is about to begin.

When reading a good novel, the end of a chapter is usually the most climactic.  It makes you want to turn the page quickly to see what the next chapter will say.   I am at this point in my story.  It feels very climactic, lots of things coming to a head, and all I want is to turn the page and find out what happens next, to have a little more peace.

There are two major and conflicting thoughts about moving that I’ve been mulling over.  The first is that I am excited to move on.  I cannot wait to live in a safe and comfortable neighborhood, where I can feel good about letting my kids play outside.  More than any other reason, the well-being of my children pulls at me to leave the city.   I want them to have a good school, to live in a neighborhood with other children they can play with.  I want to live in a place where calls to the police are answered the same day.  Are these things bad for me to want? No.

But are they the most noble and good things for me to want?  This is the conflict in my heart.  Above my families comfort, I should want to spread Christ’s love throughout this hurting city. There is a slight feeling that I have failed here.   I am confident that my family has been a beacon of love to a few select neighbors,  and maybe that’s all I was supposed to be.  But perhaps there was supposed to be more. 

I always thought I was going to have a God-conversation with at least one prostitite and maybe even invite her home for dinner, but I never did.  There was always an excuse :  I was on my way here or there, I had the kids with me, or I was not feeling prayed up enough. Yeah, I know: lame excuses.

I drive around in my city, feeling a little of the hurt that I know God must feel when He sees all the people who are hurting or in bondage.  Last week, I drove by a woman half-dressed, her mind clearly off in some chemical dream land.  My heart cries for her, and for the so many forgotten souls like her that live in this city.  It’s easy for people that live in the suburbs of Detroit to forget these hurting ones.  The well-off never have to see any of it.  I see it everyday.  I dont want to forget these people and their intense struggles.  I want to pray, I want to make a difference. 

Have I made enough of a difference? Am I running away, like Jonah?  No. I dont think I am runing away.  I dont feel God is telling me to stay.  But I feel blessed that I have this experience to keep in my heart, that I have this burning for the hurting souls in Detroit that I wouldn’t have otherwise.  And it may be that one day something will come of this.

I am packing my house to leave the city, but the city will always have a place in my heart.

 

Safe and Sound

 

There has been something on my mind.  Some of you may already know my family’s situation: We are one of those crazy people trying to sell a house right now.  Not only are we trying to sell a house in Michigan, but in the city of Detroit.  Our situation is not helped by the mayoral mess, the recent movie “MurderCity” or Oprah’s recent spotlight on Detroit:

“Talk-show host features stories of two local families that have endured tough times in the city.   By Adam Graham / The Detroit News

Oprah Winfrey exposed “America’s dirty little secret” — poverty — on her show Wednesday, and in doing so, turned a harsh light on Detroit.

The show referred to Detroit as America’s poorest big city, where one in three people live beneath the poverty line. CNN’s Anderson Cooper filed a report from the city in which he interviewed people living in freeway underpasses and spotlighted two local families and their struggles with poverty and homelessness… “

 

I imagine some of you are now talking at your computer screen as if it were me, saying, “Move out already!”  Here is the dilemma:  Detroit’s economy, major job losses and the plummeting real estate market means our house today is worth less than half of what we own it for.  Our shiny white “for sale” sign has gone completely unnoticed by home-shoppers for the last six months because why would they look at a house for 74 grand, when down the street there’s a better  house that is 25 grand? (rampant foreclosures do that.)  Thus the seeming impossibility of the situation.

Times are tough in the motor city right now.  BUT.  Hear me when I say, BUT.  I serve a faithful God, a God who has the power to do anything He wills, even move us out of this city.  I believe in miracles and a faith that moves mountains.  I believe great things happen when you believe.  

I absolutely know that my God can move us out of Detroit.

Moving out of the city has been a desire of ours for a couple years now.   I am tired of seeing free-roaming pit-bulls, drug pushers and John’s when I am unloading my groceries.  It would be nice to live closer to our family and church, to be in a place where I can feel safe letting my children ride their bikes around the block.  Right now, they are only allowed to go three houses down the right, and two houses down the left.   Tonight, I didn’t like how I felt when I had to pull them indoors because there were helicopters flying overhead signalling the stabbing and fatal gunshots that had just happened two blocks over.

I’ve heard some wise folks say that the safest place to be is in God’s will.  I believe that to be true.  I have always felt safe here.  Have there been nights when the gunshots sounded too close and I had moments of panic?  Yes.  But my fears are quickly quieted by my Father, and my assurance of his love and protection.  And in the seven years we have lived in the city, we’ve not been hurt once – even when our only car was stolen, it was returned to us within days! Someone is watching over us. If anything, living here has been good for me.  Don’t we know how much more is learned through hard times than through easy living?  I’ve learned trust.  I’ve learned love and forgiveness.  I’ve had a taste of what it feels like to be a misunderstood minority.  I have such compassion, empathy, for my neighbors who struggle to make ends meet and seem to go unnoticed by the surrounding wealthy counties.  Living in Detroit has made it impossible for me to vote for the GOP.  I digress.

Some people tell me that God wants us to be happy and safe and we should give our house to the bank, no mater how it hurts our credit, just to move away – asap.  But I am safe.  No matter how much longer I am in Detroit, I have a Holy Father who knows I am here.

Still, there are times when I wonder.  Why am I still here?  Are we SUPPOSED to leave the city right now?  Perhaps there is more for us to learn, or better yet, perhaps there are more lives for us to touch here.

Ah yes, there is that.  What am I called to do again, Lord?  Love my neighbor as I love myself.  Preach the gospel to the ends of the earth.  John 1:9 says that Jesus is the true light that gives light to everyone. Everyone?  Even murder city?   Matthew 5 tells me to let my light shine before others that they may see my good deeds and glorify my Father in Heaven.  Is God trying to gently help me become better at shining my light in all circumstances, even when the surrounding culture is so cold and foreign? How can they see my light if I am running away to the suburbs?

I am (slowly) reading a book called Peppermint-Filled Pinatas by Eric Michael Bryant, a pastor in Los Angeles.  In a nutshell, it is a book about going beyond tolerating those who are different than us, and embracing them in love.  Wow, does it hit me at a nerve.  Some excerpts:

“Where we live provides natural opportunities to engage with others. Over the past few years, I seem to be meeting more and more people who choose their neighborhood as a place for ministry rather than simply a place to have a house and catch some sleep at night.  On the other end of the spectrum, too often I meet Christians who are just like everyone else, choosing to live in the places that provide the greatest safety and convenience or have the highest rated school districts.  Then, as we have more income, we move out of our current locations so we can have even greater safety and convenience and even better school districts.  This very natural way of living, sadly, has a way of circumventing the impact we can have in our neighborhoods.  We end up looking at out neighborhoods for what we get rather than seeing them as places where we can find opporunies to give and serve.  We should think more like John F. Kennedy thought: “Ask not what your neighborhood can do for you, but what can you do for your neighborhood.”

“In our attempts to become holy or “set apart,” we have mistaken a call for “living with a different standard” with “living in a different place with a different standard.”  We want to live in an environment where the laws or policies enforce our beliefs and morality rather than engaging a lost and broken world where they live. ”

“Rather than creating communities that exclude those who do not believe the same things we believe or act the same way we act, we should infiltrate communities to become light in that part of the world . . . there are too many inner-city, suburban, and rural churches acting as places of refuge from the world.  We need more churches that see themselves as lights in their communities wherever they might be . . .  We need to create genuine relationships with those near us, and we need to be near to those who need us.”

For now, I am not sure what we are doing.  I am praying for discernment and wisdom.  Will we short-sell, foreclose, or wait it out?  I don’t know.  But I am counting on Someone who does.

 

a restless evil

when i was a teenager i had a poster on my wall that read, “the more words, the less meaning.”

i’ve been blog dry. perhaps it’s a reflection on my spirit. a bit too dry lately. no one to blame for that but myself. allowing myself a little bitterness in passing thoughts leads to bitterness in deliberate thoughts. and as it says – out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

reading in proverbs last week, my eyes kept being drawn to the abundance of verses about the mouth and the lips and our words. how much power lies in our words. how much is revealed about our souls by our words. days later i still cant shake the thought that this is something God is trying to change in me.

bah! i hear words and thoughts roll off my toungue that are neither helpful or edifying. i want to change. dont we all. but i dont want to just stop complaining or stop gossiping. simply shutting my lips is not the change i want. i want a change of heart. out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. so when i hear myself whining and sputtering off condescending remarks, i cringe because – ouch – that must be what is lying deep in my heart.

how? i like to consider myself a sweet, loving girl. but the evidence shows pride and hardness of heart. oh Lord. yet again, i see the picture of the woman i want to be, and i know the only way to get there is a long road of prayer and filling myself with the good and true words of the bible.

some of the proverbs that got this started for me:

“the mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but violence overwhelmes the mouth of the wicked.” “Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning” “the mouth of a fool invites ruin” “when words are many, sin is not absent. but he who holds his tongue is wise.” “the lips of the righteous nourish many,” “a man who lacks judgement derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.”

holding my tongue. now THERE’S a new one. i run my mouth too much. the first thing that comes to mind is what comes out. this has caused trouble more often than not. at the very least, it has caused so much regret.

sometimes in life, i enjoy a sense of strength and maturity. other times i feel completely inadequate and weak, and by His mercy, this is when i grow.

 

precious moolah?

well well.

last night in bed, all the thoughts i’ve been processing about money all came together and rushed from my lips in one great soap-box display.

i exploded.

but it was all so good. and after i finished, andrew and i felt such a peace and togetherness – and he was happy to hear the thoughts i’d been having.

a couple weeks ago i was in the mall walking behind a very expensively dressed woman. i never saw the front of her, but from the rear, she just reeked of money. hmm. reeking from the rear. gross. but i couldnt help but think that if you stripped away all her expensive clothing and accesories, she and i wouldn’t be so different. that she has struggles and problems and hardhsips all her own, and somehow having these designer shoes and handbags comforts her. makes her feel safe, beautiful, and more secure i’m guessing.

but for quite some time, i have been saddened by the money trap. by the way we humans can get so caught up in loving it, and what it can get us. how it distracts us from what is important.
last night, it started when i first got in bed and sighed a big sigh. a sigh that was trying to push away the heaviness i felt because of the giant cement block of debt that is tied to our necks. i hate it. i hate being in debt and feeling like there is no way we can possibly swim and kick and fight hard enough to get our heads above water. it’s not right that we should owe anybody the amount that we do. and it’s not right for me to spend money on extras when i owe the amount i do. i feel such a responsiblity to pay it all back in full.

i want to be drastically different. i want to live in a way that is not popular or comfortable, but honorable because it’s within my means. if we do not drastically change the way we live, our debt will only continue to get worse. part of this awakening is coming from reading this book, The Jungle, i’m sure. this horribly poor family where even the children work, everyone is starving and they tie their shoes toghether with string to make them last longer.

so i am vowing to live within my means. to scrimp and save and not spend on anthing that is not necessary to keep my family alive and healthy. and by gum, we will get out of debt – and even one day have a savings. i will not buy new clothes simply because mine are horribly out of style. and i can survive just fine with one freaking pair of shoes. God knows the ten or so that i have should last me for years. i will not be buying new shoes until these all fall apart. i will not be eating out. i will not be buying alcohol. i will not be buying a bread knife – that i wanted to buy recently, and thought “i need it. i deserve it.” but, shit. i dont need it. i have a whole freaking knife set and most of those knives will cut through bread. i will not buy new bedding to replace my old stuff. even it is on clearance at IKEA. i will not buy a bike rack for our car just so we can drive to a state park to ride…

all these things are fine and nice. and it is all too easy to decieve myself into thinking that i should be able to have these things when i compare myself to people i know with the means to have these things.

i simply cannot live like i am in a different class.

and i want to find a way to increase our income. i want and need to get a job so bad. i want to do what i am able to make our problems better. and i have confidence that when i am responsible with the little we have, things will get better. God will see our efforts and bless us. he had always provided so well for us, and i cannot wait to be even more dependant on him for my daily bread – which i will NOT be putting on my credit card soon if i can help it.

fin.

 

Amazing Grace

how can i be so happy and content with who i am, and with life in general when i’m home with my family – and then so competely insecure when i step outside my house? i dont expect an answer. i just dont get it.

i went out twice this weekend for a friend’s birthday. it was fun. but weird. the first night i felt a bit akward and quiet. reserved but not wanting to be. and regreting my wallflower-likeness all the next day until we went out that next night, with more people, and i felt comletely opposite – like i was trying so hard to change the pattern of the night before that i was over the top and obnoxious. ugh. and i regretted all the way home and today. i dont know if i’ll ever get past the “what did they think of me tonight?” thoughts. “what did they see in me tonight that will drive them away?” i know the more i place my self-worth inthe hands of my Maker it should get better – but does it have to take so long? i’m impatient to the core.

it’s strange to me that i’ve had such strong self-doubting thoughts lately because i’m in an incredible time of life right now.

i can say with complete confidence that i have never experienced life to be as wonderful as it it right now. it’s weird – because financially – we’re broke as a joke. the worst ever maybe, but that hasn’t had any affect on my family. or maybe it’s one of the factors drawing us together. all i know is that i am more happy than i imagined possible and so very content. what seemed like a hopeless marital situation a year ago has turned into an almost dreamlike bliss. there are no words. i am so in love. i’ve learned how to love.

all i can say is thank you. thank you god. thank you to those who prayed for us. a few days ago i was overwhelmed with the realization that if it werent for the many people praying for andrew and i, not only would we not be in this new loving stage of marriage, but we just wouldn’t be together. i am blessed to be surrounded by friends and fanily who intercede for me, and my heart reaches out to those who are not also blessed in that way.

i am in a place of rest right now. a valley of peace, and mountaintop of victory. after the sweat and the tears, i want to stay here forever. i know i cant – but i’m enjoying the stay for now. what will tomorrow bring?

for today i am happy, and insecure, and freezing, and adoring my sick (but adorable) hubby lying on the couch next to me. life IS good.

 

Skin Deep

pretty faces are a dime a dozen on this earth.
beautiful bodies are just as common.

so why all the fuss? everywhere i look i see people who are pleasing to the eye. for me, it is rare to find someone plain. instead, i see so much beauty. each of us is a priceless work of art. so what does that tell me? that God knows what he’s doing, for one.

but also, that i need to go deeper. i can find beauty easily on the surface of others, and i can find beauty easily IN others too. but sometimes i forget to look for beauty inside myself. i’ve spent a lifetime being told i am beautiful, so i can hold my head high and say with confidence that i know i’m not ugly. but i forget to go deeper. i want to know i am not ugly on the inside as well.

when i am feeling the weight of stress, i can become very superficial. worrying if i look okay becomes most important for some reaon. because i think people will like me more? because it’s easy for me to handle and succeed at? i dont know. but when the day is over i come back to thinking – i want to be so much more. i’d rather have a haggard outward appearance if i could just be a little more like the woman i desire to become. sometimes i feel so dirty, so guilty, and undeserving. God has tucked as much if not more beauty inside my skin than outside, so why is it so easy for me to forget? sometimes i wish i would never hear a compliment about my appearance again – because i did’nt do anything for it. but i tell you what, i’d love to be minding my own business one day and have someone remark on my christ-like character. i’m just not there yet.

so Lord continue what you’re working out in me. i’ve felt the growing pains quite a bit this year, and i feel them more each week. i see myself for both the struggling girl that i am and the woman i know you can help me to become. and i think i like what i see.