Not so much taking a break

as changing my life.

I’ve taken a big step back from my computer lately and I’m loving it.  I don’t need to be on here more than 30 minutes a day.  

It’s part of a bigger change I think.  And I’m not quite sure how to word it. 

I like to write.  But my desire is to be sure that when I am taking the time to write something on my public journal (here) I am writing about the works that God is doing in my life. 

The less time I spend in the blogging community, or on facebook, the more time I have to spend with Him.  Easy math right?

You know how married couples start to look like eachother after years of marriage? Do you know why? Because when we communicate with someone, we try to mirror their gestures and expressions – as a way to build trust with the person. 

When I spend time gazing  into the face of my heavenly Father, whether it be in my prayer closet, or singing His praises or reading the precious words of life He wrote for me, I will begin to look more like Him.  This is my hope, my passion, my calling.

He is jealous for me.

I will probably see you around here from time to time. And in between those times, know that I’m thinking of you.

 

Who Is That Lady?

I am a Dreamer.

 

That’s the name of my Personality Type.

Specifically, I’m an INFP.  That stands for Introverted, iNtution, Feeling, Percieving.  2% of the population shares my type.

I took the quiz twice just to be sure. (It’s kind of like taking a pregnancy test. Can you really only take just one?) I was kind of hoping to lean toward INFJ, because the first time I took it, the line between F and P was so close. I changed a couple answers that I was unsure of the first time I took it,  but the second time around I was even more of an INFP.  Does that makes sense?

Here’s a peek into my soul courtesy of  http://www.mypersonality.info/

• INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal.
• To understand Healers, we must understand their idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. The Healer is the Prince or Princess of fairytale, the King’s Champion or Defender of the Faith….
• INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP’s value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life.
• creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings…”
• An INFP’s feelings form the foundations of the individual. They are sacred and binding, in the sense that their emergence requires no further justification. An INFP’s feelings are often guarded, kept safe from attack and ridicule. Only a few, close confidants are permitted entrance into this domain.
• INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It’s as though they live at the edge of a looking-glassworld where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities.
• Their job must be fun, although not racous, and it must be meaningful to them. They need a strong purpose in their work. They want to be recognized and valued, without undue attention given to them. They may become embarrassed when make the center of attention. As a result, they may undersell their strengths in order to avoid being singled out and made to feel conspicuous. They would rather have their worth be noticed gradually over time.

Other real life INFP’s: A.A. Milne, Audrey Hepburn, Dick Clark, Fred Rogers, William Shakespeare, JRR Tolkien, Princess Diana, John F. Kennedy Jr., Laura Ingalls Wilder, John disciple of Jesus, Mary mother of Jesus.

INFP might enjoy these careers.  (Some of these are especially appealing to me.  Maybe AFTER I get my nursing degree, I’ll work on one of these. )

• Activist
• Actor
• Architect
• Church Worker
• Counselor
• Editor
• Employee Development Specialist
• Fashion Designer
• Graphic Web designer
• Human Resources
• Journalist
• Librarian
• Massage Therapist
• Minister
• Missionary
• Musician
• Photographer
• Physical Therapist
• Psychologist
• Social Scientist
• Social Worker
• Speech Pathologist
• Teacher/Profossor
• Tranlator/Interpretor
• Writer

It’s fun to do these. And a great inspiration for the start of a new year.

Happy 2009, friends.

 

Leaving the City (part II)

I have so many thoughts about my time here in Detroit proper.  There have been many good times here, and a few not so good times.  This chapter is ending, my time here is over.  This is something I feel deep inside.  But that means a new chapter is about to begin.

When reading a good novel, the end of a chapter is usually the most climactic.  It makes you want to turn the page quickly to see what the next chapter will say.   I am at this point in my story.  It feels very climactic, lots of things coming to a head, and all I want is to turn the page and find out what happens next, to have a little more peace.

There are two major and conflicting thoughts about moving that I’ve been mulling over.  The first is that I am excited to move on.  I cannot wait to live in a safe and comfortable neighborhood, where I can feel good about letting my kids play outside.  More than any other reason, the well-being of my children pulls at me to leave the city.   I want them to have a good school, to live in a neighborhood with other children they can play with.  I want to live in a place where calls to the police are answered the same day.  Are these things bad for me to want? No.

But are they the most noble and good things for me to want?  This is the conflict in my heart.  Above my families comfort, I should want to spread Christ’s love throughout this hurting city. There is a slight feeling that I have failed here.   I am confident that my family has been a beacon of love to a few select neighbors,  and maybe that’s all I was supposed to be.  But perhaps there was supposed to be more. 

I always thought I was going to have a God-conversation with at least one prostitite and maybe even invite her home for dinner, but I never did.  There was always an excuse :  I was on my way here or there, I had the kids with me, or I was not feeling prayed up enough. Yeah, I know: lame excuses.

I drive around in my city, feeling a little of the hurt that I know God must feel when He sees all the people who are hurting or in bondage.  Last week, I drove by a woman half-dressed, her mind clearly off in some chemical dream land.  My heart cries for her, and for the so many forgotten souls like her that live in this city.  It’s easy for people that live in the suburbs of Detroit to forget these hurting ones.  The well-off never have to see any of it.  I see it everyday.  I dont want to forget these people and their intense struggles.  I want to pray, I want to make a difference. 

Have I made enough of a difference? Am I running away, like Jonah?  No. I dont think I am runing away.  I dont feel God is telling me to stay.  But I feel blessed that I have this experience to keep in my heart, that I have this burning for the hurting souls in Detroit that I wouldn’t have otherwise.  And it may be that one day something will come of this.

I am packing my house to leave the city, but the city will always have a place in my heart.

 

Leaving the City

The snow here is beautiful to me.  I love how it seems to blanket everything in purity. Like a heart washed clean by the blood of Christ. 

Looking out my picture window, I see three houses across the street that make me sad.  One house was our Sunday night desination for coffee, laughs and Simpsons.  One house was the location for our Tuesday night Bible study and potluck, and the home of my son’s best friend.  The third house belonged to a very close friend of mine, a true sister in my heart.

We had something special.  Borrowing eggs, toilet -paper, blenders, diapers, you name it – we were always there for eachother.   Poking our heads into each-others houses and lives at all times of the day and night. We saw eachother through good times and bad.  Clean houses and… not so clean.  

When I was shoveling snow the other day, I felt a bit lonely.  It used to be that when I shoveled, I could look across the street and say “Hi” to one of my dear friends as they shoveled their walk, and our kids would be playing together in the front yards.

They’ve all moved away.  It’s a good thing for them – leaving the city for safer suburbs.  I am happy for them.  But I miss them.  Two of those houses are now home to renters, and one is vacant.  One other family is left beside ours – they are a street behind us.  I am glad they are still here – we carpool and babysit for eachother, but not being on the same street makes them even feel a little distant. 

We had a rare and special thing – not sure exactly what to call it, so “thing” will have to suffice.  I don’t want to sit here and have a pity party, I guess I am just really realizing how amazing that time was, and that I may never have it again.  I am thankful for the experience. 

And in a few short months, it will be my turn to move away from this street in the city.

 

To be continued . . . .

 

Visits

What a weekend.  An incredibly wonderful weekend, I should say.  My beloved brother, Kevin, and his wife, Angie, were in town for a brief visit.  We had such a good time playing euchre and eating cookies, and laughing.  Lots of laughter.  I am so happy they are married.  Just over a year ago they said “I do.”  What do I get out of it?  I love to see my brother love and be loved in the deep way that only marriage brings.  Also, the fact that I now have a married sibling hopefully means that maybe my children will have cousins before they’re old enough to drive.  

Andrew’s aunt and uncle also are in town, and we had a great family BBQ last  night.  The Ellison family is a friendly, close-knit group.  No one ever feels like a stranger visiting the Ellisons. 

In fact, we met a Foreign exchange student, Ala (pronounced Ah-lay) from Tunisia (northern africa) last night who will be our adopted cousin for the next year.   It was interesting talking with him.  He lives five minutes away from the Mediterranean sea by foot.  Nice, huh?

Things that struck me about Ala:

He seemed amzed at how much we were eating.  He was full after the hors d’ouvres of fruit and chips.  When they brought out the burgers his eyes widened as he realized we werent done eating yet.  You can imagine how he must have felt a bit later when we pulled out the cupcakes and ice cream.  Yes, I said, Americans eat too much.

Later he glanced at a calendar hung on the wall with daily schedule things scribbled on it.  He seemed baffled.  “Does everyone do this,” he asked?  Yes, I told him, Americans are too busy.  We schedule so many activities that we have to write them down or we’ll miss one.

He spends his summer days at the beach.  Where he lives, no one stays in the house during the days, ever. Homes are for sleeping.  Teenagers do not sit around watching TV, or playing video games.   They are outside, active.

Once again I am reminded at how much excess my life holds, and I long for a simpler life.

 

a restless evil

when i was a teenager i had a poster on my wall that read, “the more words, the less meaning.”

i’ve been blog dry. perhaps it’s a reflection on my spirit. a bit too dry lately. no one to blame for that but myself. allowing myself a little bitterness in passing thoughts leads to bitterness in deliberate thoughts. and as it says – out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

reading in proverbs last week, my eyes kept being drawn to the abundance of verses about the mouth and the lips and our words. how much power lies in our words. how much is revealed about our souls by our words. days later i still cant shake the thought that this is something God is trying to change in me.

bah! i hear words and thoughts roll off my toungue that are neither helpful or edifying. i want to change. dont we all. but i dont want to just stop complaining or stop gossiping. simply shutting my lips is not the change i want. i want a change of heart. out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. so when i hear myself whining and sputtering off condescending remarks, i cringe because – ouch – that must be what is lying deep in my heart.

how? i like to consider myself a sweet, loving girl. but the evidence shows pride and hardness of heart. oh Lord. yet again, i see the picture of the woman i want to be, and i know the only way to get there is a long road of prayer and filling myself with the good and true words of the bible.

some of the proverbs that got this started for me:

“the mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but violence overwhelmes the mouth of the wicked.” “Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning” “the mouth of a fool invites ruin” “when words are many, sin is not absent. but he who holds his tongue is wise.” “the lips of the righteous nourish many,” “a man who lacks judgement derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.”

holding my tongue. now THERE’S a new one. i run my mouth too much. the first thing that comes to mind is what comes out. this has caused trouble more often than not. at the very least, it has caused so much regret.

sometimes in life, i enjoy a sense of strength and maturity. other times i feel completely inadequate and weak, and by His mercy, this is when i grow.

 

the beauty of the aged

happy st. patti’s day to all me fellow pat’s and patsy’s!

you know what?

i think old people are absolutely wonderful and adorable. i should say “older” – not “old.” dont want to offend.

but when i am driving down the street and i see a beautifully wrinkled black woman, walking slowly with her bag of goodies, it makes me smile. older people hold a lot of wonder for me. looking into their eyes is like being privy to a peek at their joys and struggles. i love how fragile some of them are, and that, even if you never knew them when they were younger, you can tell they’ve shrunk a bit.

i respect older people so much, because even if their not perfect angels (and some are not. some are cratchety and mean) still they have lived and endured on this earth for much longer than i have. they’ve seen more, heard more, lived more than me. and i could sit for days listening to their stories. i love to talk sometimes, but when i am in the presense of poeple over sixty-five, i like to shut up and soak up as much as i can.

i love visiting with andrew’s grandma for that reason. somehow she and i usually end up alone in conversation at family parties – she passionatly telling her stories to me. often it’s a story she’s told me before, about her life forty years ago -when she was a young, struggling mother. a shaping time in her life, i think. she’s amazing. she had three boys in cloth diapers at one point – and no washing machine! i hope i get to listen to her stories for many more years. younger generations could learn a lot of we all stopped to listen to our grandparents stories.

with the coming of old age, i know there sometimes comes aches and pains, but i still think i will enjoy being older. hopefully i will have someone who will enjoy listening to me ramble about the days back when . . . .

 

winter’s truth

read something today relating to mid-west winters…

“Winter comes down savagely over a little town on the prarie . . . The pale, cold light of the winter sunset did not beautify – it was like the light of truth itself. When the smoky clouds hung low in the west and the red sun went down behind them, leaving a pink flush on the snowy roofs and the blue drifts, then the wind sprang up afresh, with a kind of bitter song, as if it said, “This is reality, whether you like it or not. All those frivolities of summer, the light and shadow, the living mask of green that trembled over everything, they were lies and thisis what was underneath. This is the truth,’” by Willa Cather in My Antonia

dont get me wrong, i posted this because october247’s latest blog reminded me of the quote – but i really enjoyed this winter. i got outside more than i normally do when it’s cold. i enjoyed sledding and shoveling and cocoa. and seeing the trees covered in snow. and our winter was so mild and condensed. it was perfect. freezing cold and loads of snow for only for a brief time. the only winter in my life i can say i loved. i really did too.

 

precious moolah?

well well.

last night in bed, all the thoughts i’ve been processing about money all came together and rushed from my lips in one great soap-box display.

i exploded.

but it was all so good. and after i finished, andrew and i felt such a peace and togetherness – and he was happy to hear the thoughts i’d been having.

a couple weeks ago i was in the mall walking behind a very expensively dressed woman. i never saw the front of her, but from the rear, she just reeked of money. hmm. reeking from the rear. gross. but i couldnt help but think that if you stripped away all her expensive clothing and accesories, she and i wouldn’t be so different. that she has struggles and problems and hardhsips all her own, and somehow having these designer shoes and handbags comforts her. makes her feel safe, beautiful, and more secure i’m guessing.

but for quite some time, i have been saddened by the money trap. by the way we humans can get so caught up in loving it, and what it can get us. how it distracts us from what is important.
last night, it started when i first got in bed and sighed a big sigh. a sigh that was trying to push away the heaviness i felt because of the giant cement block of debt that is tied to our necks. i hate it. i hate being in debt and feeling like there is no way we can possibly swim and kick and fight hard enough to get our heads above water. it’s not right that we should owe anybody the amount that we do. and it’s not right for me to spend money on extras when i owe the amount i do. i feel such a responsiblity to pay it all back in full.

i want to be drastically different. i want to live in a way that is not popular or comfortable, but honorable because it’s within my means. if we do not drastically change the way we live, our debt will only continue to get worse. part of this awakening is coming from reading this book, The Jungle, i’m sure. this horribly poor family where even the children work, everyone is starving and they tie their shoes toghether with string to make them last longer.

so i am vowing to live within my means. to scrimp and save and not spend on anthing that is not necessary to keep my family alive and healthy. and by gum, we will get out of debt – and even one day have a savings. i will not buy new clothes simply because mine are horribly out of style. and i can survive just fine with one freaking pair of shoes. God knows the ten or so that i have should last me for years. i will not be buying new shoes until these all fall apart. i will not be eating out. i will not be buying alcohol. i will not be buying a bread knife – that i wanted to buy recently, and thought “i need it. i deserve it.” but, shit. i dont need it. i have a whole freaking knife set and most of those knives will cut through bread. i will not buy new bedding to replace my old stuff. even it is on clearance at IKEA. i will not buy a bike rack for our car just so we can drive to a state park to ride…

all these things are fine and nice. and it is all too easy to decieve myself into thinking that i should be able to have these things when i compare myself to people i know with the means to have these things.

i simply cannot live like i am in a different class.

and i want to find a way to increase our income. i want and need to get a job so bad. i want to do what i am able to make our problems better. and i have confidence that when i am responsible with the little we have, things will get better. God will see our efforts and bless us. he had always provided so well for us, and i cannot wait to be even more dependant on him for my daily bread – which i will NOT be putting on my credit card soon if i can help it.

fin.

 

friends

mm yeah. okay. promising to blog about something somehow takes a bit of the joy out of doing it. i should remember that.

so. my assignment. alright… friendships. we’ll start there. and based on recent feedback, the best way to get MORE feedback is to keep it short. so i will. you will get the very condensed version of the many deep and awesome thoughts that have been running through my briain.
but then, by keping it short, i’m afraid it will sound very basic. too basic. like – “why the heck is she even writing this bumbling post about common wisdom…” great. thanks.

start again.

in my life, friends are like ice cream. they are so sweet and wonderful and there for you, but then eventually, you’ve eaten them all up and they’re not in the freezer when you’re peak-pmsing and just need a sugar fix. no. that’s not right. but WHY did those two half gallons of ice cream disappear from my freezer last week. hmm? those were not good friends. dont make friends with ice cream. that’s our lesson.

no. seriously. start again.

i’m sorry. i’m feeling incredibly goofy tonight, and not at all like blogging any serious junk. i’m sitting here with andrew’s bathrobe over my clothes, my mouth guards in (i’m whitening my teeth, a gift from a friend) and my glasses. and i feel slightly UGLY BETTY tonight. very cool.

but. i’ve been dealing with expectations and friendships. trying to keep real expectations. trying to trust that He knows best. friendships are so important – they form us. how easily they slip away if not attended carefully. but our needs are different. our styles are different. sometimes being a friend can mean realizing when it’s time to let go. sometimes friendship requires rolling up our sleeves and reaching out of our own world and into anothers. and arent we all just too busy and selfish to do what it takes. but i have hopes. hopes of less hurts, and more hugs.

anyway. that’s the very short and probably way confusing version. but notice i made the paragraphs short to make the overall blog seem less intimidating and long…so maybe i’ll STILL get comments… ?