Not Completely Insane.

One of my favorite songs of my Junior year of high school connected with me back then and ever since… I remember when I heard Alana Davis sing “I’m not completely insane, maybe just a little bit crazy . . . ” and I felt understood. Life can make us fill a bit crazy sometimes, eh?

In keeping with my 2017 theme of Climb, my obvious work situation needs addressing.

I have been on my new unit for just over three months now. Three months of midnights, three months of beautiful babies. I am getting more comfortable.

I have so many thoughts on this topic…. and how to lay them all out without being too wordy is baffling me.

Positives: I don’t *hate* nursing so much anymore. Boy, I sure hated it last summer when I was putting up with cliques and craziness. But now….now it’s not so bad.  Being a postpartum nurse, and getting to educate new mothers all night long – it is fulfilling in a way I didn’t experience before.  And man, babies just make everything better! When I’m having a long night and just need to catch my breath, sometimes I do that by helping a mom soothe her fussy baby.

There are few things in life more satisfying than getting a fussy baby to finally get out that burp and fall asleep.

There is still so much to learn. I just began a training class, full of textbooks and lectures and tests (oy very) for my work that will end in May.  The never-ending training that Nursing entails . . . I knew about it, but it’s different to live it. Never-ending online modules, quizzes, movies, and in-house training on new equipment or protocols. I realize that as long as I am a nurse, I will be studying something.  Good thing I like learning.

Negatives: There are also days that are super hard, and things that I don’t appreciate. No job is perfect, I know. But Midnights SUCK. I pretty much want to die at 4am every shift. My body just doesn’t do it well. I am praying for a dayshift opening on my unit soon. But truly, all those awesome dayshift jobs… they are hard to come by.  The other huge negative is the schedule of a hospital nurse. 12.5 hr shifts are still brutal for me, and working weekends and holidays when all my family, friends and church are gathering… and I’m missing it…. Again, I knew about this before I signed up for it…. but it’s different to live it.  I am longing for a day job – no weekends or holidays. To get to be home for Thanksgiving AND Christmas.

Last month, I came darn near close to quitting altogether. Tired of “putting in my dues” with no end in sight. I was exhausted.  My alternative was to spend the next thirty odd years working in retail or something to earn just enough to pay for out-of-pocket health insurance. Yeah… not appealing.

I gave God one final “What the heck is going on here? Get me out of this mess!” And I felt His answer as a wave of peace. I felt the Lord impress on my heart that “until you hear otherwise, keep the course”… Yes, once upon a time I felt called to be a nurse, and so until He gives me a new direction, I will follow that first leading.  Sometimes I still feel like I am in the right field – usually it’s in the moments I am educating someone….

Which leads me to my next goal of 2017: get back in school to get my degree. Truthfully, according to the contract I signed at the time of hire I have to enroll before December or they will fire me. But as much as I don’t want the financial burden of a degree that doesn’t promise me any higher of an income, I think it may actually be in my best interest . . . because once I have that BSN I will be eligible to teach students in a clinical setting, which very much appeals to me.  I have always loved teaching others, and mentoring younger people. I am good at it and it fuels me (instead of draining me.) So that’s my hope…. Not to mention the hours would be so much better and school holidays off!

Back to school I go. Back to piles of dishes and laundry (but hopefully less fast food). I will be a working mom, in school. I must be crazy. But just a little bit 😉  Praying I can keep up with my relationships, because I know that is vital. And praying I get a day position and can go to church once in a while!

All in all, for some reason, I think I can trudge through. One more push. Will I like it when I get to the end? What if I spend all that money and time and…. Oh nevermind. That kind of thinking gets me in trouble. I am taking this baby step… following my first order and seeing where it takes me.

That little spark of hope is still there for 2017. I still believe God will work it all out.

Yeah, I knew this wasn’t going to be a short one. But I felt I owed some of you an update, however uninspired.

Love,

Amy

The Burden

I had a dream last night that you shat all over the clean dishes in my sink. And then stood there and said “That’s disgusting, you better clean that up good!”

Ah yes. Back again, are we?

I hate secrets – resent them really.

It’s a heavy burden I would rather not bear.

I barely know you, but you shat all over my life, years and years ago – and when I figured it out, I was surrounded by shushers. “Shh! Don’t tell! It’s a secret. We don’t want to upset the others!”

And so I must go on carrying this burden seemingly alone. To protect the innocent.  I understand.

I forgave you years ago for the giant pile of excrement, but it’s the daily forgiveness that drains me. Repeatedly, I find myself needing to forgive you for the burden of a secret. I may never be able to join the crowd, pretending nothing happened. I may always have to keep my distance. For the secret’s sake. And that is exhausting.

And for my own sanity I must forgive… over and over.

But please, no one else give me any secrets to keep. I am really quite full of the ones I have already.