ignorance is bliss.
i think if is had one wish, i would NOT choose as solomon did. i would choose pure ignorance. what little smarts i have are apparently too much for my weak self.
this is all so ridiculously vague. i cant articulate what’s going through my mind. i look at the places life has taken me, the places i have chosen to go, and cant help but wonder what happened. what went wrong? why do we make stupid choices while thinking we are dead-right? how did i get to this place? why spend two years as a family, thinking you are progressing toward your career goals, only to find yourself right where you started? nothing makes sense to me. i want to stop trying to figure it out.
i want to live with complete abandon and trust in my Lord. but my-oh-my, do i have some trust issues! i have always lived life in a way so that i dont need to trust or depend on almost anyone. it’s too dangerous. and i tell you what, God doesn’t make it very easy either. trust Him? and then what? watch something completely fall apart, and know He must have a reason – but He’s not telling. trust is so difficult. it’s always been easier for me to just be alone, and not trust – only now i’ve come to the end of my abilites to sustain myself and i NEED to trust. so i’ll try again, reach out to my Father and hope my heart does not break.
“it’s in despair that i find faith. summon the night to bow down to day. when ignorance is bliss, save me from myself. and then i see you there with your arms open wide and you try to embrace me. these lonely tears i cry they keep me in chains and i wish they’d release me. cold is the night but colder still is the heart made of stone turned from clay. ” (fade to grey by jars of clay)