Trust Me

ignorance is bliss.

i think if is had one wish, i would NOT choose as solomon did. i would choose pure ignorance. what little smarts i have are apparently too much for my weak self.

this is all so ridiculously vague. i cant articulate what’s going through my mind. i look at the places life has taken me, the places i have chosen to go, and cant help but wonder what happened. what went wrong? why do we make stupid choices while thinking we are dead-right? how did i get to this place? why spend two years as a family, thinking you are progressing toward your career goals, only to find yourself right where you started? nothing makes sense to me. i want to stop trying to figure it out.

i want to live with complete abandon and trust in my Lord. but my-oh-my, do i have some trust issues! i have always lived life in a way so that i dont need to trust or depend on almost anyone. it’s too dangerous. and i tell you what, God doesn’t make it very easy either. trust Him? and then what? watch something completely fall apart, and know He must have a reason – but He’s not telling. trust is so difficult. it’s always been easier for me to just be alone, and not trust – only now i’ve come to the end of my abilites to sustain myself and i NEED to trust. so i’ll try again, reach out to my Father and hope my heart does not break.

******************************

“it’s in despair that i find faith. summon the night to bow down to day. when ignorance is bliss, save me from myself. and then i see you there with your arms open wide and you try to embrace me. these lonely tears i cry they keep me in chains and i wish they’d release me. cold is the night but colder still is the heart made of stone turned from clay. ” (fade to grey by jars of clay)

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3 thoughts on “Trust Me

  1. thats a tough place to be, frustrating and heartbreaking and we’ve wondered if we are there too. then we think “could we really have missed God that much when we love Him and are seeking His will?” Then I wonder…

    I love you!

  2. Hey Amy- I share this with you just in case it will provide you with some encouragment. I faced probably my darkest hour in the months shortly after Silas was born. See, my plan had been all figured out- I completed my MSW the very day I found out I was pregnant and I was in a job that held huge potential and that I loved. I was going to be the primary income earner and my husband would be home with Silas during the days. I thought this was perfect. Then, BLAST. Four days after we got home from the hospital with our son- Dave got a phone call that changed our lives- the one and only PhD program he applied to said they wanted him- and they would pay all of his expenses and give him a stipend (meager as it might be) to live on. We had been praying that God would either open or close this potential door (okay, I was praying it would close- Dave was praying it would open… but deep in my heart I knew it was right) and it opened big time. But, that didn’t make it any easier for me- letting go of my career, leaving our home of 10 years, moving 10 hours away from family, and walking down a road of month to month reliance on God for our basic necessities… why choose that when I was so comfortable? All I can say is that it is TRULY only by his grace that we made this move- that I let go- and that I now find myself EXACTLY where God wanted me to be… a place I never could have put together in my own mind- and with life circumstances (financially, etc..) that I never would have chosen. And yet… His hand is all over it… and I FINALLY am at peace. He will be faithful- truth Him even when it hurts and dance with complete freedom when you are restored!!!

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