how can i be so happy and content with who i am, and with life in general when i’m home with my family – and then so competely insecure when i step outside my house? i dont expect an answer. i just dont get it.
i went out twice this weekend for a friend’s birthday. it was fun. but weird. the first night i felt a bit akward and quiet. reserved but not wanting to be. and regreting my wallflower-likeness all the next day until we went out that next night, with more people, and i felt comletely opposite – like i was trying so hard to change the pattern of the night before that i was over the top and obnoxious. ugh. and i regretted all the way home and today. i dont know if i’ll ever get past the “what did they think of me tonight?” thoughts. “what did they see in me tonight that will drive them away?” i know the more i place my self-worth inthe hands of my Maker it should get better – but does it have to take so long? i’m impatient to the core.
it’s strange to me that i’ve had such strong self-doubting thoughts lately because i’m in an incredible time of life right now.
i can say with complete confidence that i have never experienced life to be as wonderful as it it right now. it’s weird – because financially – we’re broke as a joke. the worst ever maybe, but that hasn’t had any affect on my family. or maybe it’s one of the factors drawing us together. all i know is that i am more happy than i imagined possible and so very content. what seemed like a hopeless marital situation a year ago has turned into an almost dreamlike bliss. there are no words. i am so in love. i’ve learned how to love.
all i can say is thank you. thank you god. thank you to those who prayed for us. a few days ago i was overwhelmed with the realization that if it werent for the many people praying for andrew and i, not only would we not be in this new loving stage of marriage, but we just wouldn’t be together. i am blessed to be surrounded by friends and fanily who intercede for me, and my heart reaches out to those who are not also blessed in that way.
i am in a place of rest right now. a valley of peace, and mountaintop of victory. after the sweat and the tears, i want to stay here forever. i know i cant – but i’m enjoying the stay for now. what will tomorrow bring?
for today i am happy, and insecure, and freezing, and adoring my sick (but adorable) hubby lying on the couch next to me. life IS good.