last night in bed, all the thoughts i’ve been processing about money all came together and rushed from my lips in one great soap-box display.
but it was all so good. and after i finished, andrew and i felt such a peace and togetherness – and he was happy to hear the thoughts i’d been having.
a couple weeks ago i was in the mall walking behind a very expensively dressed woman. i never saw the front of her, but from the rear, she just reeked of money. hmm. reeking from the rear. gross. but i couldnt help but think that if you stripped away all her expensive clothing and accesories, she and i wouldn’t be so different. that she has struggles and problems and hardhsips all her own, and somehow having these designer shoes and handbags comforts her. makes her feel safe, beautiful, and more secure i’m guessing.
but for quite some time, i have been saddened by the money trap. by the way we humans can get so caught up in loving it, and what it can get us. how it distracts us from what is important.
last night, it started when i first got in bed and sighed a big sigh. a sigh that was trying to push away the heaviness i felt because of the giant cement block of debt that is tied to our necks. i hate it. i hate being in debt and feeling like there is no way we can possibly swim and kick and fight hard enough to get our heads above water. it’s not right that we should owe anybody the amount that we do. and it’s not right for me to spend money on extras when i owe the amount i do. i feel such a responsiblity to pay it all back in full.
i want to be drastically different. i want to live in a way that is not popular or comfortable, but honorable because it’s within my means. if we do not drastically change the way we live, our debt will only continue to get worse. part of this awakening is coming from reading this book, The Jungle, i’m sure. this horribly poor family where even the children work, everyone is starving and they tie their shoes toghether with string to make them last longer.
so i am vowing to live within my means. to scrimp and save and not spend on anthing that is not necessary to keep my family alive and healthy. and by gum, we will get out of debt – and even one day have a savings. i will not buy new clothes simply because mine are horribly out of style. and i can survive just fine with one freaking pair of shoes. God knows the ten or so that i have should last me for years. i will not be buying new shoes until these all fall apart. i will not be eating out. i will not be buying alcohol. i will not be buying a bread knife – that i wanted to buy recently, and thought “i need it. i deserve it.” but, shit. i dont need it. i have a whole freaking knife set and most of those knives will cut through bread. i will not buy new bedding to replace my old stuff. even it is on clearance at IKEA. i will not buy a bike rack for our car just so we can drive to a state park to ride…
all these things are fine and nice. and it is all too easy to decieve myself into thinking that i should be able to have these things when i compare myself to people i know with the means to have these things.
i simply cannot live like i am in a different class.
and i want to find a way to increase our income. i want and need to get a job so bad. i want to do what i am able to make our problems better. and i have confidence that when i am responsible with the little we have, things will get better. God will see our efforts and bless us. he had always provided so well for us, and i cannot wait to be even more dependant on him for my daily bread – which i will NOT be putting on my credit card soon if i can help it.