Chapter One

I have this problem when I begin to think about too many big things at once. The issues start to swirl around and around in my head and make me a bit dizzy. The most successful cure I’ve found for this ailment is to sit down and write down all those thoughts. Somehow, the act of moving my pen (or fingers if I’m typing,) moves the swirling matters out of my aching head and onto the paper/screen. It’s miraculous.

As of late, my mind has been swirling like crazy, and if I don’t get some serious blog therapy, I’m gonna get sea-saw sick.

I’ve been thinking about Moses today.

Moses had a difficult assignment. It was unpleasant I am sure: free the Israelites from Egypt’s grip, then lead the whiny bunch to a promised land. He was so sure this job was too big for him, he tried to talk God out of choosing him at first. I am sure it was a heavy burden to bear. But oh the reward! I cannot imagine being on a mountaintop face to face with my Lord.  Moses endured some rough times, because God had a purpose that needed to be fulfilled.

I walked out of the house this morning, on my way to class, with a heavy heart. I did not want to leave my husband who had a late start at work today. Amazingly, I did not want to leave my crazy messy, and yes, even DIRTY thing that my house has become this semester. I wanted to stay home and do nothing with my husband. Just sit on the couch in his arms, quietly. I wanted to really scrub my kitchen, and vacuum my dining room.

I do not like school right now. I know. I can’t believe I am saying it either. It is not because of the school itself though. I love how alive and challenged I feel while I’m sitting in class. I get excited while taking notes on something I’ve learned for the first time.

What bothers me is all the things I’m missing out on because I’m in class or doing homework so much. Time with my husband and time to clean. This semester more so than last semester, I feel like a failure as a mother/friend/spouse/sister/daughter. I have barely picked up the phone to call ANYone since January. Part of me feels that this turning inward was due to selfishness. Part of me thinks it was self-preservation – doing what I could to remain mostly sane and maintain some kind of almost normal life, and hoping my loved ones will understand my short time of silence.

It is hard to feel like a good mother when I am not doing things I used to. I am sad that I am not with my kids as much as I want. I have to believe that things will turn out okay. I am definitely considering slowing down a bit though. Possibly taking only one class in the fall. Is it wimping out? I don’t think so. I think it is being real about what is important. If nothing else, (although there’s lots else,) this year has shown me that my organizational and motivational habits need improvement. One class would still stretch me, but hopefully leave room for a little bit of normalcy for my family and me.

I do not have the same task as Moses, fortunately. But my task is difficult just the same. I am called to be out of debt, to be free from slavery. The road to freedom for me is paved not with plagues, but with books, homework and tests. I know I am doing the right thing, but I am in the middle of the not very fun part right now. It has been hard for me to see God’s face shining down on me through some thick clouds these past couple of weeks. Everywhere I turn, I see areas where I am not making the cut. I truly believe that it is good for Christians to push to accomplish more than they can by themselves, because this is when God has to step in and help – and then He gets to reap in all due glory and praise. This is a good thing. Having faith to reach out and grab whatever task He wants for us, especially when it is something we cannot possibly accomplish on our own.

I cannot stop praising my father in heaven that I have been given enough grace to accomlpish the task set before me. I know this season will be difficult, but I know that it is just that: a season. I can see already that will come out on the other side a changed woman, and for that I am grateful.

When I am feeling so pressed, I know there is One who saves me. Another incredible part of pushing further than what is comfortable, is that it pushes us to be so dependant on Christ, for strength enough to stand. Truly, writing my thoughts down on paper may relieve my headache for a moment, but it is Christ who replaces the headache with peace. When I am weak, then He is strong, then I am dependant on him for my every breath. He knows this. He longs for me to stay with him throughout my day. To give up food for a time to remind myself of his goodness and strength that more than compensate for my shortcomings. Truly I serve a good God.

Psalm 32:67 “Therefore let everyone who is Godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will proet me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.”

Psalm 1:2 “But his/(her) delight is in the law of the lord, and on his law (s)he meditates day and night. (s)He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields fruit in its season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever (s)he does prospers.”


2 thoughts on “Chapter One

  1. Amy, what a beautifully written blog. It’s wonderful that you find strength in your family and God to help you through stress and tough times. If you’re feeling unhappy about the current school burden, then cut back to one class. It’s better to take care of yourself and have school take a little longer, than get burnt out cuz that will negatively affect your whole life. As long as you keep take one class a semester, you’ll finish eventually which is better than not at all. Keep in mind, you’re you’re not ignoring your children, rather you are showing them a positive example of how to balance work, school, family and/or faith. Love you, Nyama

  2. It is funny Amy, because women have a tremendous heart and often they are torn between responsibility and desire for self-fulfillment, to an extent that is far more proficient than men. Men are free from that twain, until somebody puts their nose in it.
    I think; it is very much the right thing for you to do – to take one class in the fall. You have to pace yourself; and with Grace as young as she is, you have your hands full.
    We are innately equipped to perform beyond our present abilities: growth. A muscle-builder works out hard, and gets bigger. But, if that muscle-builder does not take time to rest …well…the opposite effect occurs. Yet, we aspire to grow and as we workout we get strong and fulfillment comes.
    Everybody’s path through the wilderness is a little different, but it is the challenges that change us. Challenges that we accept and take on, become meat to our bones and a tool in our tool belt and secure us to sit in wisdom’s seat with confidence. Challenges overted for the choice of easy-pickens, become stones in our shoes as we plod through the workday. Often these days, I find myself climbing back over mountain paths to pick up tools I passed on. And you know, the funny thing is, these hard-picken fruit are very rewarding.
    We are not alone; not at all. We are innately part of this thing call life: John 17:21 “that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us…” We are rooted in a love that supersedes knowledge. At the base core of who we are, exists a connection to our creator. We are blessed daily by all of the privileges that are extended to us : breath, people, chance, moment, heartfelt connections…

    How muddled is the twain between responsibility and pleasure? How justified are we in the unity of the two? Those opposed, those the same – the names interchange, what was last is now first, what was important, is now minuet. What was sweat, became tears of laughter. What was hard is now the crest of the wave. Ride the Wave!

    In all, Amy, I love you!

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