It ridiculous, I feel sometimes, the amount of worrying I can do – and the amount of frustration I can feel.
My son. He holds my heart, and I treasure him more than words can express. When he is joyful, my heart feels ready to explode with feelings I didn’t know I had. His creativity and thirst for knowledge astound me daily, and his corny sense of humor cracks me up – if only for the reason that it reminds me of my own off-the wall attempts at humor. Tucking him in every night, I see that he is no longer a little boy, but every day, more and more a man. He is building a life for himself, making choices, deciding what he believes about life and this world and God.
His attitude is a continual battle. I have to let go. I cannot change someone’s attitude, I know this. At best, I can control how it is outwardly shown, but I cannot change his heart. Only the Father can do that. But how can I better usher him toward the Father and a transformed heart? What am I doing or not doing that is hindering his growth?
I repeatedly relinquish control of my children’s lives into the hands of my Maker, for truly they are but a gift to me for a little while on this earth. I am responsible to show them the way to Life, but haven’t I done that Lord? Still the ungrateful attitude continues, the complaints go on and on against parents and rules and life . . . if only life were fair!
I feel like a failure as a mother and I think of times I have questioned others’ parenting because of their bitter children, and my condemnation falls right back onto me. It’s tempting to say, “some kids just turn out angry, even with great parents.” Do I believe that? Or is that a cop out?
I throw my frustration around like a hot potato and I watch it land on other people: on my son for not taking to heart my warnings about the trappings of a bad attitude, on people who correct him in from of me for his negative attitude, and on people who, after hearing only his side, conclude that I must not be giving him everything he needs. My frustration lands on so many people, including myself. But Lord! That’s not what I want! Forgive me. All I know is I need more grace. I need more patience. I need to keep passionately praying for my kids. And I need wisdom for how to live each and every day in a way that will set an example for my kids of holy living . . . giving thanks with every breath to counter the negativity.