Sitting here, eating my coveted buttered popcorn, I’m taking a minute to reflect. Reflection has a way of snowballing for me, one thought leads to another, and I almost always end up having to rein it in before an avalanche happens. I bring my thoughts back to the simple thought that I don’t have to have all the answers, don’t have to be perfect, I just have to Trust my Lord. I do find though, that I process thoughts better with writing, so I’m dusting off the old blog for my sanity’s sake.
Reflecting on my morning:
Church today was beautiful. Laughter, tears, worship, dancing, hugs, family, food. Beautiful.
Church today was hard. Confronting my social awkwardness and anxieties, pushing past my brokenness, learning to listen to His leading. Making new friends. Friendships have never come easily to me . . . I am not a natural friend, if there is such a thing . . . though I have always admired those who make it look easy.
It’s been a roller coaster of a year, folks.
Here I am, just about a month away from graduating the nursing program. I feel like I lost two years. Please don’t feel bad for me, or worse, correct me for being negative. Sure, I have gained a lot in these two years – new friendships, knowledge and experience, and an education that will open doors for my future. For these blessings I am so very grateful. But I have lost two years of so much else.
At the end of this nursing program, I did not expect so many feelings. . . I spent some time crying today to my wonderful husband, and then I took a therapeutic nap, and now I am therapeutically blogging to help me sift through all these feelings.
- I like caring for people.
- We can save up for a house.
- I could support the family if something happened to Andrew.
- It’s nice to have something to do that is my own.
- The possibility of doing medical missions someday excites me.
- I am away from my family and friends far more than I like, and will be for the next few years until I can get a contingent position. I hate missing things – big things and little things. I want to be present.
- It looks to me that I pretty much will have to get my bachelor’s degree in the next five years or so if I want to work somewhere besides a nursing home. I am not thrilled about more school right now.
- I am so tired.
- Nursing looks different than I expected.
One month till graduation. Probably two and a half months till I take my boards. Maybe five months till I get a job?
One step at a time. Praying for His guidance in every step.
And I will Trust.